TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2025. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2024 about the coming of the year 2025 that in the year 2025 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2025 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2025. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2025 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

CELL PHONES ARE ALIEN TECH FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
Yesterday, while I was watching Fox News I accidentally hit my remote control and turned the sound on. Generally, Fox News is best viewed as a visual arts channel with the sound turned off. I just like to sit in a chair with a can of beer and enjoy all the hot chicks on Fox News as they model in those incredibly short skirts.

Well, anyway before I could turn the sound off again one of the pretty models said that nearly 90% of the households in America had cell phones. For the rest of the day I did not think much about the fact that Americans have advanced technological devices stuck to the sides of their heads. However, after drinking beer all day I watched a pirated Doctor Who show on the internet. Before the show was over the BBC had the FBI show up at my house and they pulled the plug on my internet access citing national security concerns. The FBI also confiscated a dish of pork and beans that mom brought over citing the fact that the dish of beans and elements in it that could be used to make some very powerful explosives. I asked the FBI if the rumor was true that Bin Laden and his family were living in Detroit. They tasared me and said that I should leave that poor man and his family alone. “After all,” they said,” The Bin Laden family is the most generous secret foreign financial backers of the Chamber of Commerce and according the Supreme Court the Chamber get to decide who runs the country.” I didn’t understand anything the FBI was talking about. I just did not like being tasared while they were saying it. That taser thing was really making me loose the buzz I had so carefully nursed all day long.

Since I had no TV I decided to walk down to the bar and get really liquored up. I staggered into the bar and ordered Gunnies in a tall pilsner glass. I love the way that beer foams around after it is poured. It is just like watching a lava lamp. It is a great tasting beer with long lasting effects. When you are really wickedly, obnoxiously hammered there is nothing like a tall glass of Gunnies beer to keep you there.

After looking around the bar I saw a lot of people talking mindlessly on their cell phones. The old gray haired guy sitting next to me must have noticed my fascination with cell phones when he said, “Those cell phones are just a way for space aliens to control our minds.”

“You know I saw part of a documentary earlier today on the BBC that was about aliens controlling our minds using cell phone technology.”

“The BBC, isn’t that British television?” my bar friend mumbled.

“Yeah, it is I said. You can’t get that kind of stuff on American TV. Here everything is censored. I even had my TV plug pulled by the FBI today for watching the BBC.”

“You don’t say,” my bar friend said.