TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2025. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2024 about the coming of the year 2025 that in the year 2025 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2025 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2025. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2025 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

INVASION OF THE TENT WORMS FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Collin

Day 1
The Attacks
This is the year of the great invasion of tent worm caterpillars. They are several times more numerous than previous years and, seem to be devouring everything that their mouths come into contact with. Several half eaten cattle, deer and, buffalo have been found near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in Northern Michigan. The dunes themselves have very little vegetation left on them. We investigators who are in the know, know this area to be known as AREA 91. In other words, this is like the outer space stuff that goes on at Area 51 except, you can tell by the bigger number that stuff that goes on at Area 91 is far bigger.

After poring over countless government files at the local tax assessors office, we have concluded that area 91 had a crash landing of a craft from outer space about 65 million years ago. This was of course at the time the dinosaurs died out and became extinct. We of course, by using multiple regression analysis came to the conclusion that the crash of the space ship caused the dinosaurs to die out. But, how did the crash affect the dinosaurs and what does that have to do with tent worms? The more we investigate this puzzle it seems the more pieces don’t fit like they should. It was evident that, we will have to force the pieces of this puzzle to fit together so that everything would come out just as we imagined it would. We were desperate researchers trying to stop the carnage of plants and animals by these extra terrestrial tent worms.

In order to fight the menace we at Outer Space News Nuts decided to break into three teams. The twins Laurie and Carrie, would check out the country side to find out the status of the alien invasion. My brothers Tim and Mike will go to area 91 itself and sniff sound on the sand dunes. I and Gerard, the guy that raises rats in his basement, have chosen to stay out of the front line of fire and will instead interview whoever we think can shed some light on this invasion force. Perhaps, we will stop them yet.

Day 2
The Reports Are In And It Is Not Good!!!
Tim and Mike were the first ones to make a report today. They went exploring at the Sand Dunes. They did not find the secret portal that opens up to the secret pentagon black box military base that lies beneath the dunes however, Tim and Mike did find vast swaths of vegetation missing from the sand. Along long areas of beach, there were wide areas between the water and where the vegetation started. It seems the evil beasties have carved large swaths along our Northern Beaches leaving nothing but sand behind them. It seems, these tent worms must eat organic life forms and leave silicon (sand) behind as their excrement. This is important information but, we don’t know what is so important about it? This is just one more piece of that puzzle that we are going to cram into a spot where we think it should go.

The twins reported back today that they indeed found vast areas of fruit trees where the leaves were completely eaten from the trees. A couple of leaves were found with bite imprints on them and these bite marks were immediately sent to our dentist for analysis. It seems our space aliens are not so perfect after all. Our dentist said the bite marks indicated a distinct over bite which accounts for the hideous appearance of the creature when you look directly into his face. Our Dentist also stated that judging by all the plaque left in the bite marks that our extraterrestrial friends do not brush and floss after every meal. Perhaps their poor oral hygiene might cause them to loose their teeth prematurely from periodontal disease. This is the first good news we’ve had since this crisis began.

Gerard and I played Foosball all day and drank beer. Tonight we went to the bar to play pool and watch the Tigers play (they won by the way and I‘m up another five bucks). I also won us a pitcher of beer playing pool and I won another pitcher of beer in a darts tournament. I feel so relaxed right now I almost don’t care about those creepy crawly things that eat up everything. My strategy to unwind has worked.

Day 3
The relaxation strategy that Gerard and I employed yesterday was a way for us to try to keep our heads clear during this crisis. Drinking beer all day and all night has given us the clarity of mind we need to find out how to stop these many footed creatures that live only to devour our flesh and blood and suck the chlorophyll out of our mobility challenged plant brothers. Yesterday, my brothers ( real brothers not plant brothers) and the twins, went out to gather information on the damage the space and/or time traveling tent worms have caused. Today it's Gerard and my turn at bat. We have lined up an expert to interview. This interview is so good that I’m sure we will prevail in saving the world from the tent worms. The consequences of our failure is unacceptable. On to the interview.

2 Hours Later
Gerard called in sick today. It seems he must have caught the flu at the bar last night. Or maybe he can’t face me today because I was winning all the sports contests last night. Because of my athletic abilities last night, I remember being the most popular guy at the bar. I was a lot more popular than Gerard was that's for sure. I’m also a lot better looking than Gerard. Just being around him gives most people the creeps, especially the ladies. I know I’m feeling much less creepy today without him around and I kind of like the guy.

Even without Gerard I will go ahead with my interview with our special secret scientist guest, Dr. Leon Notallthere. Dr. Notallthere was the first person to be barred from flying on airplanes. He was not just barred from domestic flights but, he has been banned from getting on any aircraft anywhere in the world. He can’t even pay to go up in a hot air balloon. It seems Dr. Notallthere was in a tussle with the pilot of an aircraft back in the 1950’s. The two men hadn’t even boarded the plane yet when they got in smack down match over a parking space at the airport.

Although the doctor has had his problems at airports, many admire him for his ability to stand up to authority figures and insist that things are done right. In addition, Doctor Notallthere is considered an expert in his field by several locals.

“Doctor Notallthere, I understand you are an expert in the field of extraterrestrial tent worms.”

“First of all,” interrupted Notallthere, “ I am an expert but not in extraterrestrial tent worms. Secondly, I am not a doctor. I never received a PhD. I have a masters degree.”

“In science?” I asked.

“No, replied Notallthere,” I have a masters degree in international fly fishing though the Calgary International Fly Fishing Institute in Calgary Canada.”

“You attended school in Canada?” I asked.

“No, I’ve never been to Canada. I received my degree on line. It costs me $397.00 (Canadian) and nearly six weeks of my life.”

“So, when I talked to you on the phone and explained our situation you said you could be of great service to us in saving the earth from tent worms. What did you mean?”

“I meant if you would reimburse my $397.00 (Canadian) tuition from fly fishing college, I will tell you how to kill these creatures. I‘m a fisherman. I know all about all types of worms. Even caterpillars. I know all about anything you can stick on a fish hook for bait.”

Since I was desperate, I agreed to his terms with one change, instead of paying him $397.00 in Canadian currency I would pay him an even $400.00 in good old American made $5.00 off coupons at the pizza place across the street. Mr. Notallthere thanked me for giving him the coupons since he wasn’t sure how he would spend the Canadian money and $5.00 off pizza coupons is like money in the bank.

Day 4
We Strike Back
It seems the answer to our problem of how to defeat the evil outer space killer tent worms was no further away than the big goobers we all produce within our mouths and then try to find a place to spit them out. It seems these particular creatures die immediately when hit by high speed mouth mucus. In other words, we destroyed the tent worm army by spitting on them. My brother Mike wanted to eat the little fur balls but, Mr. Notallthere said the creatures were deadly poisonous and that consuming them was unnecessary. It seems lambasting the worms with spit was all it took to cause the fearsome creatures to wrap themselves up in a ball and simply wither away like Count Dracula when he is hit by sun light.

We were able to mobilize everyone in Nothern Michigan to start spitting at anything that moves. There was no motivation needed to get Michiganders to spit because, we spit all the time anyway. I guess the cold weather gives us lots of sinus action and who wants to swallow that stuff.

By the end of day four, no more outer space invading tent worms were left on our planet. Humanity prevailed. The plant and animal deaths caused by the visitors has ceased. All is well yet, there are so many unanswered questions regarding these creatures. For instance, we still do not know exactly how or why they chose to come to earth. We also do not know the location of the entrance to area 91. However, we will continue searching for an opening into the secret government base beneath the sand dunes knowing one day we will uncover it’s secrets.

I can’t help wondering that if the dinosaurs had figured out that they could wipe out the tent worm infection by just spitting on the worms. Perhaps if they had,the mighty dinosaurs would be with us today.