BIG FOOTS OR BEARS?: YOU DECIDE!

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRY ANY ACTIVITIES FOUND ON THIS BLOG. WE ARE INVESTIGATIVE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST. IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING THAN WHO DOES? TRYING TO DO ANYTHING THAT OUR STAFF DOES IS PURE FOOLISHNESS. IN SUMMARY, ONLY FOOLS DO WHAT WE DO.

For many years people have been told that there are bears in the woods in the Northern region of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. In truth, I believe that what people have been mistaking for bears are in fact, the great manlike creature known by names such as Sasquatch and Yeti. To us professional investigators of the unexplained, we call him Big Foot.

Based upon the large number of sitings of so called bears, it is evident that Big Foot (or Big Foots plural) does (do) exist. So, with my brothers Mike and Ted, we are going off to the deep woods to spend a couple nights camping and looking for evidence of bears and or big foots in the area. There are often extra terrestrial sitings that correspond to big foot siting so, we must be vigilant in watching the night sky. Many believe, as I do, that the big foot monster is an alien being, perhaps a pet of a far superior big brained gray alien. Maybe the gray aliens have to let their big foots out for a bathroom break like people do with their dogs. Maybe, the whole earth is a designated rest area for pet big foots along a galactic highway.

Day 1
No Bears: I Must Be Right!
Well, we're camping out in Kalkaska County in a large cedar swamp. Bears in Florida like swamps so we figured that bears in Michigan, if they exist, will love this big smelly swamp we found on Google. This is state land but, it does not appear that anyone has ever camped here. The mosquitoes are really bad. Hopefully, when it gets dark the mosquitoes should go to sleep and not bother us until morning. All we have to do now is gather up some firewood and heat up a can of beans and roast our hot dogs. We probably shouldn't’t be eating the beans. We’re liable to have a midnight musical extravaganza. I just hope its country or rock music and not some disco crap like we had to listen to on our last camp out.

2 Hours Later
Well, the sun has gone down but, the strange thing is the mosquitoes have not gone to sleep yet. Instead, they are swarming all around us and seem to be biting more often. Ted said mosquitoes never sleep. I hope Ted is wrong or this is going to be a really long night.

In order to get some bears/big foots to come around our campsite, we have left out some chopped up pig carcass on the hood of the car. The engine was really hot by the time we got back here so we decided to cook half of the pig parts a bit to get the scent in the air. The rest of the pig parts we left in the back seat in case we needed more bate for later.

The pig parts were left over from when we were chumming for great white sharks out on Lake Michigan. I’m going to have to pick up a lot of pop and beer cans downtown to pay all the fines the Department of Natural Resources socked us with on that trip. Who knew you needed a fishing license to look for great white sharks?

Midnight
Well, my watch says its twelve o’clock and I think something’s going on in the brush. I can’t tell what it is but, something is grunting and, moaning and. circling our camp. At first I thought it was just my brother Mike going for a bathroom break but, he’s still snoring away in his sleeping bag. Well, neither of my brothers is sleeping now. Something big and black just attacked the car. We should have parked the car closer to the camp fire so we could watch the pig carcass better.

I’m not sure what this thing is but, it’s up on its hind legs chomping down on the pig parts. It can’t be a bear because they never stand on their hind legs like a human. It must be a big foot. We’ll know more tomorrow when it goes away and the sun is up.

Day 2
It’s 6 a.m. and something has not only eaten every last bit of pig but, it tore the heck out of Ted’s car. Ted is just sitting up in his sleeping bag not moving at all. He just stares over at his ride. I think he’s in some sort of coma or something. It’s a good thing he’s in a coma because all the windows were smashed and his back seat that held the rest of the pig parts well, I never liked the upholstery anyway. The outside of the car was in even worse condition. Two of the tires were chewed right down to the wire mesh inside of them. There are more claw marks than paint left on his old red Chevy. It’s a good thing I talked him into taking his car out on this trip. I’d be really upset if something ripped my car up like that.

We were very fortunate that the creature did leave some evidence behind for us to examine. At first I thought Mike had something to do with it but, he flatly denied knowing anything about the large brown pile of scat. Yes, the creature took time last night to relieve itself near Ted’s Chevy. Of course, this was no bear that did this. It was a hairy giant manlike thing that stood up on its hind legs while it ate pig and destroyed the red Chevy. I have waited my entire life to find evidence of this creature. Yes, I saw the creature Native Americans call Sasquatch also, known as Big Foot.

Epilogue
As we walked out of the woods I was elated. Not only did I prove there were no bears in Michigan but, I proved the existence of Big Foot. The camera on my cell phone was not working again however, I had in a plastic baggy the evidence I needed to show the scientific world, the quality of the research I do here in Northern Michigan.

We walked about a half mile down the old two track lumber trail then; I thought we had some more luck. We spied a Department of Natural Resources officer walking our way. Unfortunately, the news he had for us was grim. It seems it is illegal to bait bears on state land so, I got a whopping ticket for that. My brother Ted received a citation for abandoning a junk vehicle on state land. The worst news was that removing Sasquatch droppings from their natural habitat is also illegal so, I had to put the pile back where I found it. The officer confiscated my empty bag in case I tried to snitch a little bit of illegal Sasquatch scat for examination.

Well, at least we proved that bears don’t exist here in the lower peninsula of Michigan. I do want to warn everybody that you should not leave any pork parts in your car overnight. My brother Ted found out the hard way that Sasquatch can be really persistent when it comes to pork. Next time, Ted is going to keep any extra pork we have in his sleeping bag where it is safe.

21223

GIANT ALIEN BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

By Tim Collin

Editor in Chief

Writer

Custodial Services

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on eBay.

PP10122021

THE PETOSKEY STONE: FOSSILIZED REMAINS OF A GIANT ALIEN BRAIN

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the Internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an undergraduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing Foosball.

11524

THE RAT WITH THE GIANT BRAIN

SHIVA THE RAT: DESTROYER OF MY WORLD
By Gerrard

I got a call today telling me that I had to come down here and write a 1,000 word story for Humor News Nuts publications. I guess I was the only one home because everyone else is out on the lakes having fun. So here I am. I have never been allowed to write anything before. I hope I don’t get in trouble.

I’m not sure if my story qualifies as a space alien type adventure. It was really weird and that says a lot coming from a guy who raises rats for a living. I guess I have to start telling the story now. I hope I just added enough fill words to put my blog over 1,000 words when I’m done.

To begin with, I live in my mom’s basement and raise rats for a living. . It is a big basement and I have several thousand rats in it. I raise the rats to sell to business and colleges. If you wear makeup, there is a good chance one of my rats had it on before you did. And, if you ever had open heart surgery chances are the surgeon that performed it learned how to do so on one of my rats. I raised all my rats from babies and I am happy about what my children have achieved. I hope that one day one of my rats will go into outer space. I’ll be a proud papa then, that’s for sure. It’s too bad girls don’t see my profession to be as exciting as I do.

I’m afraid I have digressed from the story. What happened to me involved rats? The one rat was a really smart little buddy of mine named Ernie. He was my best friend when I was in high school. You see my family has always been in the rat business and I just took it over when my dad died. Ernie could count up to six and even write the first two letters of his name “ER”.

I was never going to sell Ernie. For one think he was a fluke. You see I have both white rats and black rats. It seems different institutions want different colored rats. I guess the humans are prejudiced about color but, rats are not. One day one of my really smart black rats picked the lock on his cage and sneaked into the cage of a little white beauty. The result was the grey rat named Ernie. Ernie got his daddy’s brains and was my favorite rat from the time he was born looking so different from all the rest.

A few weeks after he was born, Ernie was already an adult rat and was looking for love in all the wrong places. I caught him sneaking out the basement on several occasions. He was going out to hang out with those wild rats that hunt the dumpsters at night and chew into grocery stores to nibble on packages of cheese. I felt certain my friend would come to a really bad end. Most of the stores out there have traps set for rats. Of course there are also rat thugs who will eat off an ear if you look cross eyed at them. I tried to talk some sense into Ernie but, our long talks did not help at all.

One day I came down stairs and there was a large brown rat busily working on my computer. I was shocked. Ernie had brought a street rat into our home. I also wondered how a rat would know how to type on a keyboard let alone be so proficient. I did know the rat did not know what it was doing since the monitor was nothing but a bunch of numbers and math symbols with letters cubed and squared all over the place. Ernie was just sitting there beside the big brown rat looking at the monitor as the brown rat was typing away. Then, the big brown rat stopped typing, turned its’ head around and said, “I am Shiva, the destroyer of your world. I am Ernie is my boyfriend. You got a problem with that rat boy?” The big rat barred its teeth at me.”

“I don’t have any problem,” I said. I then walked to my bed that was in the far corner of the basement and lay down and pretended to go to sleep. All the while I kept one eye open watching Ernie’s new girlfriend type away on my computer. I was hoping she was not ordering stuff on line. Mom will be really mad if she has to pay for a bunch of stuff.

A few days later a short, bald, middle aged man in a suit came knocking at the front door. I opened it. The man held out a badge and said that he was detective Mike Ivan Black of the Traverse City police department and he was interested in talking to a man named Ernie who went by the nickname ER. “I’ll let you talk to him but, you won’t like it,” I said. “

I took the detective downstairs and introduced him to Ernie. Ernie just sat there and made little squeaky noises. The policeman was really mad. “Do you realize that you can go to jail for obstruction of justice rat boy?” the detective yelled.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

The detective then told me that there had been a series of graffiti pictures drawn all over the down town area and each was signed by Ernie or ER. The policeman said he knew to come to my address because the culprits also left their address under each signature. Before the policeman left he promised that he would be back with a warrant. Two days past and he never came back.

I went down to the basement one day and Shiva was busily working on my computer. ER was looking befuddled at the stuff Shiva was typing after all; he could only count to six. I figured he must have really been in love with that girl since usually he lost interest in numbers once he counted up to six. Big numbers made him wander off to sniff rat droppings or scratch him. But now, poor Ernie did not want to leave the side of Shiva the super rat.

“Oh by the way,” Shiva said to me “I took care of that detective. He won’t be coming around here anymore. And, how did you like that liver dinner Left out for you last night?”

I shuddered “I thought mom made that dinner for me and left it out,” I was in tears

“No I cooked the liver just for you Gerard. I also fixed that homemade bratwurst on a bun you had for lunch today. It’s made from an old family recipe.”

I was extremely ill then, down the steps came detective Black carrying a large suitcase. I was relieved and very frightened at the same time. I was relieved that he was alive but, I was frightened as to what the detective might be going to do to me for harboring an evil rat like Shiva.

The detective walked over to the computer station and opened his case. “You need to keep your mouth shut rat boy,” the detective said to me. Shiva and I are special undercover agents for the Rat Bureau of Investigations. We are trying to infiltrate an army of super intelligent rats who are plotting to take over the world and replace mankind as the dominant species your friend Ernie is our newest recruit.” That was all the agent said.

Meanwhile, Shiva hit a button on my computer and permanently fried my entire system. Shiva then jumped into the case and said “come on sugar pants” to Ernie. My friend jumped into the case and the policeman shut up the case and walked up the stairs and out the door. I never saw Ernie again.

I did receive an X-mass card a few years ago that I think came from Ernie. All that was written inside were the initials ER and the numbers 1, 2, 3,4,5,6.

ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

RP10062021

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Norther Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

PETOSKEY STONE BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on EBay.

SPACE ALIENS RULE

SPACE ALIENS RULE
By Tim Collin
It has come to our attention at this organization that many people blogging on the Internet have found evidence that the President of the United States was born a space alien. To be precise, the blogers maintain that the President was born somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy.

I decided to confirm the origins of the President by going out on the streets of the city to see if I could find anyone who could confirm the story on the blogosphere. You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Many things found on the Internet are reported by people who have no knowledge of the topic they are covering. Therefore, in order to get to the bottom of the story I like to go out and ask people on the street what they believe.

It was a dark and lonely night when I went out on the town and asked people if they believed that the President of the United States was a space alien. Most of the people just smiled at me, the kind of smile people have when they just secretly passed gas. A couple of people seemed angry when I asked them the question. Clearly these annoyed individuals were space aliens themselves and were afraid I had found them out. Finally, I found a man that was more than willing to give me an extensive interview about aliens running our nation.

The man said his name was Fred. I figured Fred knew about space aliens since he was staggering from lamp post to lamp post like Fred had just been dropped off by a space ship and was having trouble adjusting to our gravity. Fred confirmed his abduction when he stated that he had no idea what had happened to him over the previous twenty four hours, forty eight hours, two weeks or, thirty years.

“The aliens are all over and you just don’t know when they will pick you up and take you to Miami.” Fred exclaimed “It seems like whenever it starts getting cold up here I end up being kidnapped and wake up in some homeless shelter in Miami. My ex-wife is a space alien. You know she was president of the United States once. Of course I was top her general. Yeah I’m pretty sure Reagan is a space alien. I voted for him last year. Now that I know that he’s not from here I won’t vote for Reagan next year. Those space aliens are all over. Why don’t they just all go back to Texas? I visited that planet once and went to jail. They said I was drunk and disorderly. I don’t even drink that much. I did admit to the officer that I had a problem with alcohol. My problem was I could not afford to buy the amount I needed to get me thought the night. “ . “

The insights Fred had definitely shed light on the problems we are having with aliens taking over America. I think my family members might be space aliens. I’m not sure when the aliens changed bodies with my brothers and parents. I’m thinking it was when I turned sixteen. It seems not one of them understood me then. At any rate, I’m keeping my eye on everyone.

THE REPLACEMENT FACTORY: THE ALIEN PLAN TO REPLACE US

Recently, a local newspaper indicated that the government will be using economic stimulus money to build a tunnel under the National Park called Sleeping Bear Dunes (known as the secret alien earth station, Area 91). Tourists will be trucked under the sand dunes via a train. No one currently studying UFO phenomenon has ever considered the possibility that the government would be so blatant in its attempt to work with aliens to take over the earth. The government is proposing to take trainloads of unsuspecting tourist underground to perhaps the largest alien base on the planet.

What will happen to the tourist once they are underground and out of site? It is hard to say. Perhaps they will be dissected by alien doctors to find out all the weaknesses in human anatomy. This does not seem reasonable since aliens have been visiting the earth for thousands of years and have had the opportunity to snatch away millions of humans for dissection and experimentation. Another theory that we have postulated at this publication is that aliens will be kidnapping humans for some sort of alien/human hybrid. Of course like our quandary with the dissection theory, aliens have had millions of years to produce hybrids. It is unlikely they need to create even more hybrids than they have already.

Having eliminated all other possible motives for the tourist tunnel to alienville, it is obvious that the aliens and our government have conspired to commit the most heinous crimes against the laziest people amongst us. Namely, those who would rather ride a train underground than, walk overland with an open view of Lake Michigan. That crime would be the total replacement of our bodies and minds with exact duplicates. These duplicates would be identical to us in every way except, their souls would be from another world.

Mind transference has long been used in science fiction stories to explain how aliens would take over the earth. But, here at Humor News Outerspace Nuts, we work only with facts, not fictions. We therefore concluded that we must do some field research to find some facts. My brother Mike and my brother Tim went out to Sleeping Bear Dunes in order to look around for any strange anomalies. I and my colleague Girard went to a local bar to see if any of the locals had heard anything about strange activities near the Dunes.

While I sat in the bar waiting for Gerard to show up, I noticed in the paper that there was a bumper crop of peas being harvested this year. One farmer noted that some of his pods were “gigantic”. This led me to begin to form a hypothesis as to how the aliens were creating their humanoid duplicates. It seems sometime back when I was very young; there was a news show on TV documenting how aliens took over the earth by leaving giant pods next to people while they slept. It might have been the Today Show or 60 Minutes, I’m not sure. It does not matter what the show was, all that mattered was finding the evidence now so these pea pod people could be stopped. If the aliens were not stopped the new tunnel would be like a replacement factory. Like in the news documentary I remember from my childhood, humans would be replaced by identical aliens grown from giant pea pods. Humans would come in one side of the Sand Dunes tunnel and aliens would emerge from the other. Somewhere along the trip the people would go to sleep and the giant pods would become replacements. After the replacement process was over, the human body would be nothing more than an empty shell that would turn to dust so there would be no evidence of the skulduggery

Upon Gerard’s arrival, I instructed him to begin asking people if they knew of any giant pea pods in the area that might be big enough to fit a human inside of them. Gerard went around to at least a half a dozen tables but, he reported to me no one had heard of such pods. It of course seemed curious to me that no one had heard of the pods so, I decided to reinterview the people Gerard had just talked to. I immediately struck pay dirt. When I asked if they had heard of anyone talking about giant human sized pea pods, they all said yes. It seems everyone Gerard had talked to had heard of the giant pea pods. This was proof positive the aliens were at work in Area 91. As far a Gerard not getting the same answer I received, it seems my tact at asking difficult questions was simply greater than his.

Unfortunately, my brothers turned up no new evidence at the dunes. I’m afraid they spent more time on the beach talking to girls than doing any actual investigation. I would have gone to the Dunes myself but, my car was recently destroyed by a big foot during an overnight investigation in Kalkaska.

So, we may only have limited proof of the conspiracy to replace humans with aliens via giant pea pods. After all, the tunnel is not even being built yet. One thing is for sure; we will be watching and paying close attention to any and all happenings in Area 91. I will also never eat pea pods again because I’m afraid someone I know could be inside. My uncle Marty disappeared a few years ago near the Sand Dunes. I never have believed the story that he sneaked off to Canada to avoid paying child support.

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON

By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?


But wait, there is an alternate argument put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems there is a reason our former moon walkers and our government never wants to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than Buzz Aldrin's’ speech when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “Giant Leap”. We need context to explain the disaster that was our first contact.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere.There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export all over the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

ALIENS IN LONG LAKE: THIRD AND FINAL REPORT

This is Tim Collin with the final report on the alien ship that crash landed in Long Lake near Interlochen Michigan. I am now back at my office after a weekend of trying to locate the alien craft and it’s occupants. In my last report, the raft that I and Gerard (the strange guy that raises rats), was dissolving. The raft the twins were in was also going to the bottom of Long Lake. Actually, it was strangely dissolving into the surface water. It seems the stuff you use to inflate and temporally fix flat tires on cars, doesn’t work on rafts made of “Uh Oh”. My brother went snorkeling to try to find what was at the bottom of Long Lake and had come up missing. It was dark out and the mosquitoes were terrible and, worst of all something kept bumping up underneath our sinking/dissolving boat.

Well, my brother turned up. He was of course banging away at the bottom of my raft for over two hours before he figured out that he could get to the surface easier just by swimming out from under the boat. He thought if he banged on the bottom I would move our sinking raft. I was curious as to how my brother Mike could breathe while under the boat for more than two hours? I thought he should have at least suffered brain damage but, I wasin’t sure how to tell if my brother had lost any brain cells since he was never all that bright anyway.

So how did my brother survive hours without coming to the surface or breathing through his snorkel? It turns out that I had forgotten that my brother was born with a fully functional set of gills. When my brother was born, the doctors told my parents that my father should stop feeding his family with fish he caught from the cooling pond at the local nuclear plant. My dad said that before my brother was born, my mother developed an appetite for fish. We din’t have any money so, my dad got a special permit from the Department of Natural Resources to take all the fish he wanted from the nuclear cooling pond without paying for a license. Dad said that the fish were easy to catch with a net since they spent their time floating on top of the water. I wonder if the webbing between my toes has anything to do with the nuclear pond fish I ate as a kid?


After my brother was back on board our sinking boat, the twins descended into the water as their raft with a final, bubbling fizz, finished dissolving. My brother was on board the raft with myself and Gerard for only about 15 minutes before our boat fizzled out from under us leaving us up to our necks in water. Luckily we were only in about three feet of water so we all just stood up and walked about 100 feet up to the beach.

We collapsed on the beach, tired and covered with mosquito bites. This would seem to have been a wasted effort except, along the beach there were strange, non-human looking clawed footprints. After we all recovered from our walk to the beach, we followed the tracks until they disappeared into a bunch of thick bushes. As we looked into the bushes a pair of shinny eyes glowed back at us. This thing was definitely not human. It made a snarling sound then, moved slowing off into the night. The strange thing was, as we followed the foot prints down the beach, every so often we would come upon a fish head left behind, evidently by the creature. It seems the alien only eats the bodies of it’s victims and leaves the heads behind.

We came back later that day to make some plaster castes but, the waves had washed away the tracks the alien had left behind. We wanted some proof to debunk the NASA cover-up story. However, with our alien contact, I guess we debunked the NASA explanation that there was just a weather balloon that crashed last week. At least our group witnessed the alien entity and its barbaric eating habits.

In conclusion, there was something out there. This thing is not even remotely human. It eats bodies and leaves heads behind as it meanders around beaches with its long, clawed feet. Someday, when we have better technologies, we will return to Long Lake and try once again to discover the location of the craft that landed there. We might even make first contact with the thing we encountered on the beach. Like agent Moulder of the X-Files TV show use to say, “Something is out there”.

ALIENS IN LONG LAKE: SECOND REPORT

This is Tim Collin with our second report on the mysterious space craft that streaked across the Northern Hemisphere and crash landed into Long Lake about four miles from Interlochen Michigan in Grand Traverse County. As I described in our last blog before we went out on our Delta Force expedition to defend the planet Earth from invaders, I had asked our group if anyone had pumps? I assumed they realized we needed pumps to inflate our rubber rafts. The twins named Laurie and Carrie said they would each bring pumps so I thought “problem solved.” These two beautiful and Star Trek loving community college girls each brought a pair of shoes they called pumps which, of course, could not blow up our rubber rafts. Luckily, my brother Mike, who could not ever hope to pass a class in remedial PE on the community college level, decided to try blowing up our rafts using cans of “Fix-A-Flat”. This actually worked. At least it worked for a while. I’ll get to that later.

Meanwhile, on our special government sequenced radio monitoring devices which monitor government transmissions (also known as FM radio), we heard from one source (NPR Radio) that NASA said that the sighting was actually just a weather balloon. We professionals in the alien investigating field know that of course, NASA always says everything extra terrestrial is a weather balloon. If the Earth had as many weather balloons sticking into it as the NASA guys say it has sticking out of it then it would look like a planet with a bunch of weather balloons sticking into it, or out of it or, I’m not sure what I am saying. I just know that I’m right. This is what NASA does when it comes to aliens, it confuses you so you don’t know if you are sticking in or sticking out. Some times my shirt tale’s in. Some times my shirt tale’s out. Woe is me. I just want to go home. Especially because the mosquito’s are so bad out here after dark.

While the rest of us were out floating around in our boats all day today, my brother Mike decided to go snorkeling to see if he could locate the crash sight. We haven’t seen him since and it has been 2 hours. I fear for the worst. We shoved him over (dropped him off) in the middle of Long Lake and he can’t swim very well. I’m afraid the aliens have abducted him. What is worse? I have something constantly coming up from the lake and pounding on the bottom of my boat. This has been going on for about the last 2 hours.

Another problem has become apparent. This problem was caused by the “Fix-A-Flat” solution we used to inflate our rubber boats. Apart from not using this product for the designed purposes that the label warns us about, it also has the side affect of dissolving the fake rubber our boats are made of. It seems our boats were made in a country called Chuna. Chuna is a country that makes rip-off products of rip-off products produced in China. According to the box, our boats are not made of rubber or plastic but, of the new space age material known as Uhoh". This is as in “uh oh, I think we are sinking”. "Uhoh", is also the main ingredient in the tuna substitute, low cost product, found in cans of chuna fish.

There it goes again. Something keeps hitting the bottom of my boat. I guess I will have to wait awhile before I can report on more of our investigation. My lap top battery is running low and I dropped my cell phone in the bottom of the boat which has about three inches of water in it right now.

2009 ALIEN SPACESHIP CRASHES NEAR INTERLOCHEN MICHIGAN PART 1 OF ?

We have just found out that a small craft from outer space crash landed today at approximately 1:04 a.m. Eastern Time, with daylight savings time included. A streak of light moved over the northern hemisphere and suddenly plunged into Long Lake just about 4 miles from the Interlochen Center for the Arts Academy located in Northern Michigan. Perhaps they are coming to watch the Willie Nelson concert. We just don’t know.

We have been spending the day putting together a Delta Force group to investigate and if needed, take on these aliens in some sort of intergalactic war. To be a part of this lethal force of good guys, you must have seen the new Star Trek movie at least six times. We know no one else is qualified to deal with space aliens.

The delta force includes me, Tim Collin; I am a proud geek and have no life. The group also includes my brother Mike; he is the most expendable member and will be forced to sacrifice himself to save the earth. We have the twin very nice looking sisters, Laurie and Carrie. They both are “C” students at the local college but, they love Star Trek, Battle Star Galatica and, Babylon five. My brother Ted wimped out on us so, I was forced to get my cousin Gerard to help out. Gerard raises rats in his basement and then sells them to schools for experimentation purposes. Gerard is our creepy, not too bright guy. I told everyone to stay away from him. Finally, I found a guy named Bob to come along as our photographer and video guy. He has a cell phone that takes video pictures. Cool!!!

It is now 4:00 P.M and our team will set up camp near the site of the crash at 0100 hours from now (I think that is 5:00 P.M.). We have our wet suits and snorkeling gear. We’ve chartered several rubber boats that we will need to blow up after we’ve set up camp. The twins said they would bring a pump. Things are getting really exciting now.

We will soon be in the wilds of Northern Michigan looking for life forms from a distant world. Will they be friendly or hostile? We will find out? We will report back when we can and if we can. Good luck humanity as we of Delta Force go off to fight the foes of the universe to protect the American way of life. We defend freedom and liberty and, the choice to get really, really fat and out of shape like my brother Mike or, to have respect for yourself and stay lean and mean like me.