LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

121923

JAWS IN LAKE MICHIGAN? THE HUNT FOR GREAT WHITE SHARKS

I was accidentally watching the History Channel the other day and before I could find my remote, I became interested in the show that was airing. It was about sharks living in fresh water lakes and rivers in the United States. This gave me an idea. What if sharks were living in Lake Michigan. What if the government planted them there just to mess around with our heads? What if the bay were teaming with Great White sharks this summer just waiting to chomp us all up, swallow us and turn us into seaweed fertilizer? Finally, I met with my brothers Ted and Mike. Both of them thought it was likely the feds had planted sharks in the bay just like they put fluoride in the water. It was time for action so, we devised a plan.

The first thing we would do is borrow Uncle Bob’s boat. Next, we would get a whole pig, (butchered of course) and cut it up into pieces to use for chum (a fish lure) for the great white sharks. My brother Mike suggested we use decoys to lure in the great whites. He said that most turkey and duck hunters have great success luring in their game with look alike decoys. Of course great white sharks are too big to use actual decoys so we decided just to use the fin they have on top to lure them in. Someone said it was the dorsal fin but, I thought the dorsal fin was on the bottom because words starting with the letter "d" are usually on the underside of most animals. We all knew what "fin on the top" means from watching all those Jaws movies.

Well, the weekend rolled around so we took out the half dozen top fins (dorsal fins?) just before daybreak and launched them in the center of the bay. Uncle Bobs boat has a fish finder on it so we just relaxed for a few hours. Then, just before noon, we noticed a lot of people gathering on the shoreline to bask in the sun and go swimming. Of course sharks are going to be drawn in by all the ruckus swimmers make so we gradually eased closer to the shoreline with our shark fins pulled behind us on a string. We made sure our names and addresses were on each fin since they are not cheap to make and we wanted people to know who made these fins in case we happened to loose them.

As we drew closer to shore, we notice that hundreds of people all along the beach were swimming and running onto the shore. I and my brothers had a group think of “eureka”, we’ve found the sharks. This was confirmed by the boats coming out to meet us. The Department of Natural Resources (DNR), the Sheriffs Department and the Coast Guard all sent out boats to meet us. We assumed that they were going to help us with our search for the great white sharks that were prowling the area. We assumed wrong.

Instead of welcoming us as hero's, the authorities gave us a bunch of citations for stuff like littering, causing a riot and being a general disregard for boater safety (we forgot our life jackets). Ted and I blamed the whole thing on my brother Mike so, he was the only one they arrested that day. Mike does not mind going to jail because they have food there.

Well, we will wait until next year. Then we will do another in depth study of shark attacks in Lake Michigan. We know that they are out there somewhere. Besides, we still have our floating shark fin decoys and most of our fresh pig to chum with.

101521

THE RAT WITH THE GIANT BRAIN

SHIVA THE RAT: DESTROYER OF MY WORLD
By Gerrard

I got a call today telling me that I had to come down here and write a 1,000 word story for Humor News Nuts publications. I guess I was the only one home because everyone else is out on the lakes having fun. So here I am. I have never been allowed to write anything before. I hope I don’t get in trouble.

I’m not sure if my story qualifies as a space alien type adventure. It was really weird and that says a lot coming from a guy who raises rats for a living. I guess I have to start telling the story now. I hope I just added enough fill words to put my blog over 1,000 words when I’m done.

To begin with, I live in my mom’s basement and raise rats for a living. . It is a big basement and I have several thousand rats in it. I raise the rats to sell to business and colleges. If you wear makeup, there is a good chance one of my rats had it on before you did. And, if you ever had open heart surgery chances are the surgeon that performed it learned how to do so on one of my rats. I raised all my rats from babies and I am happy about what my children have achieved. I hope that one day one of my rats will go into outer space. I’ll be a proud papa then, that’s for sure. It’s too bad girls don’t see my profession to be as exciting as I do.

I’m afraid I have digressed from the story. What happened to me involved rats? The one rat was a really smart little buddy of mine named Ernie. He was my best friend when I was in high school. You see my family has always been in the rat business and I just took it over when my dad died. Ernie could count up to six and even write the first two letters of his name “ER”.

I was never going to sell Ernie. For one think he was a fluke. You see I have both white rats and black rats. It seems different institutions want different colored rats. I guess the humans are prejudiced about color but, rats are not. One day one of my really smart black rats picked the lock on his cage and sneaked into the cage of a little white beauty. The result was the grey rat named Ernie. Ernie got his daddy’s brains and was my favorite rat from the time he was born looking so different from all the rest.

A few weeks after he was born, Ernie was already an adult rat and was looking for love in all the wrong places. I caught him sneaking out the basement on several occasions. He was going out to hang out with those wild rats that hunt the dumpsters at night and chew into grocery stores to nibble on packages of cheese. I felt certain my friend would come to a really bad end. Most of the stores out there have traps set for rats. Of course there are also rat thugs who will eat off an ear if you look cross eyed at them. I tried to talk some sense into Ernie but, our long talks did not help at all.

One day I came down stairs and there was a large brown rat busily working on my computer. I was shocked. Ernie had brought a street rat into our home. I also wondered how a rat would know how to type on a keyboard let alone be so proficient. I did know the rat did not know what it was doing since the monitor was nothing but a bunch of numbers and math symbols with letters cubed and squared all over the place. Ernie was just sitting there beside the big brown rat looking at the monitor as the brown rat was typing away. Then, the big brown rat stopped typing, turned its’ head around and said, “I am Shiva, the destroyer of your world. I am Ernie is my boyfriend. You got a problem with that rat boy?” The big rat barred its teeth at me.”

“I don’t have any problem,” I said. I then walked to my bed that was in the far corner of the basement and lay down and pretended to go to sleep. All the while I kept one eye open watching Ernie’s new girlfriend type away on my computer. I was hoping she was not ordering stuff on line. Mom will be really mad if she has to pay for a bunch of stuff.

A few days later a short, bald, middle aged man in a suit came knocking at the front door. I opened it. The man held out a badge and said that he was detective Mike Ivan Black of the Traverse City police department and he was interested in talking to a man named Ernie who went by the nickname ER. “I’ll let you talk to him but, you won’t like it,” I said. “

I took the detective downstairs and introduced him to Ernie. Ernie just sat there and made little squeaky noises. The policeman was really mad. “Do you realize that you can go to jail for obstruction of justice rat boy?” the detective yelled.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

The detective then told me that there had been a series of graffiti pictures drawn all over the down town area and each was signed by Ernie or ER. The policeman said he knew to come to my address because the culprits also left their address under each signature. Before the policeman left he promised that he would be back with a warrant. Two days past and he never came back.

I went down to the basement one day and Shiva was busily working on my computer. ER was looking befuddled at the stuff Shiva was typing after all; he could only count to six. I figured he must have really been in love with that girl since usually he lost interest in numbers once he counted up to six. Big numbers made him wander off to sniff rat droppings or scratch him. But now, poor Ernie did not want to leave the side of Shiva the super rat.

“Oh by the way,” Shiva said to me “I took care of that detective. He won’t be coming around here anymore. And, how did you like that liver dinner Left out for you last night?”

I shuddered “I thought mom made that dinner for me and left it out,” I was in tears

“No I cooked the liver just for you Gerard. I also fixed that homemade bratwurst on a bun you had for lunch today. It’s made from an old family recipe.”

I was extremely ill then, down the steps came detective Black carrying a large suitcase. I was relieved and very frightened at the same time. I was relieved that he was alive but, I was frightened as to what the detective might be going to do to me for harboring an evil rat like Shiva.

The detective walked over to the computer station and opened his case. “You need to keep your mouth shut rat boy,” the detective said to me. Shiva and I are special undercover agents for the Rat Bureau of Investigations. We are trying to infiltrate an army of super intelligent rats who are plotting to take over the world and replace mankind as the dominant species your friend Ernie is our newest recruit.” That was all the agent said.

Meanwhile, Shiva hit a button on my computer and permanently fried my entire system. Shiva then jumped into the case and said “come on sugar pants” to Ernie. My friend jumped into the case and the policeman shut up the case and walked up the stairs and out the door. I never saw Ernie again.

I did receive an X-mass card a few years ago that I think came from Ernie. All that was written inside were the initials ER and the numbers 1, 2, 3,4,5,6.

ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

RP10062021

LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

RANSOM IN SPACE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HUBBLE REPAIR MISSION

This is shocking news just in. It has been exclusively learned by this publication that, the Hubble Telescope repair mission was just a front for the payment of ransom for a famous celebrity. This information comes to us via our inside the government informant known only by the code name "Little Dipper". Little Dipper (LD) told our correspondent that the space shuttle took up with it a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold. Why would the government need to send up a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold to repair a space telescope? The answer will shock you.

According to LD the gold was to be used to pay off some space aliens who have been holding hostage a major Hollywood celebrity. LD was not sure who this mystery celebrity was but, though our vast computing resources and methods of reasoning here at "Humor News Outer Space Nuts", we have come up with the identity of the celebrity and it will shock you when we tell you who it is in the next paragraph or so.

In order to get the computing power we needed to deduce the name of the celebrity being held hostage by space aliens in outer space, we had to use, as noted above, all of our computing resources. We hooked up our Dell, Mac and HP computers.Finally we added our most powerful predictive computer device the Atari 64 (loaded with the original Space Invaders game that came with it).

After 48 hours of constant computing and game play, our answer was at hand. It seems that only one celebrity could be currently held by space aliens who would be worth a billion dollars. That would be Bruce Willis. Think about it. Mr. Willis has not been seen in any movies lately therefor, it has to be him. He wasn't in the recent Star Trek movie, Terminator movie or, X-Men. All other major celebrities are accounted for by our computers and, they all appeared in one of the aforementioned movies that we at this publication, would go to see. Movies are not real entertainment without aliens and monsters in them. All other films are just some sort of educational flick. Watching a non-monster/alien movie is like watching a movie about "how to brush your teeth". Tooth brushing movies are sickening to watch besides, why take the time to brush when you can polish at least your front teeth, on you T-shirt while watching TV. As far as the back teeth are concerned, who sees your back teeth anyway?

The only question now is whether the ransom was being paid to bring Bruce Willis back or, to keep him in outer space? What sinister plot could someone in the government be hatching if the aliens are being paid to keep a famous actor like Bruce Willis in space? Here is a man that can not only act but, can speak in coherent sentences without another human being directing him. We will keep you informed.

SPACE ALIENS RULE

SPACE ALIENS RULE
By Tim Collin
It has come to our attention at this organization that many people blogging on the Internet have found evidence that the President of the United States was born a space alien. To be precise, the blogers maintain that the President was born somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy.

I decided to confirm the origins of the President by going out on the streets of the city to see if I could find anyone who could confirm the story on the blogosphere. You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Many things found on the Internet are reported by people who have no knowledge of the topic they are covering. Therefore, in order to get to the bottom of the story I like to go out and ask people on the street what they believe.

It was a dark and lonely night when I went out on the town and asked people if they believed that the President of the United States was a space alien. Most of the people just smiled at me, the kind of smile people have when they just secretly passed gas. A couple of people seemed angry when I asked them the question. Clearly these annoyed individuals were space aliens themselves and were afraid I had found them out. Finally, I found a man that was more than willing to give me an extensive interview about aliens running our nation.

The man said his name was Fred. I figured Fred knew about space aliens since he was staggering from lamp post to lamp post like Fred had just been dropped off by a space ship and was having trouble adjusting to our gravity. Fred confirmed his abduction when he stated that he had no idea what had happened to him over the previous twenty four hours, forty eight hours, two weeks or, thirty years.

“The aliens are all over and you just don’t know when they will pick you up and take you to Miami.” Fred exclaimed “It seems like whenever it starts getting cold up here I end up being kidnapped and wake up in some homeless shelter in Miami. My ex-wife is a space alien. You know she was president of the United States once. Of course I was top her general. Yeah I’m pretty sure Reagan is a space alien. I voted for him last year. Now that I know that he’s not from here I won’t vote for Reagan next year. Those space aliens are all over. Why don’t they just all go back to Texas? I visited that planet once and went to jail. They said I was drunk and disorderly. I don’t even drink that much. I did admit to the officer that I had a problem with alcohol. My problem was I could not afford to buy the amount I needed to get me thought the night. “ . “

The insights Fred had definitely shed light on the problems we are having with aliens taking over America. I think my family members might be space aliens. I’m not sure when the aliens changed bodies with my brothers and parents. I’m thinking it was when I turned sixteen. It seems not one of them understood me then. At any rate, I’m keeping my eye on everyone.

THE REPLACEMENT FACTORY: THE ALIEN PLAN TO REPLACE US

Recently, a local newspaper indicated that the government will be using economic stimulus money to build a tunnel under the National Park called Sleeping Bear Dunes (known as the secret alien earth station, Area 91). Tourists will be trucked under the sand dunes via a train. No one currently studying UFO phenomenon has ever considered the possibility that the government would be so blatant in its attempt to work with aliens to take over the earth. The government is proposing to take trainloads of unsuspecting tourist underground to perhaps the largest alien base on the planet.

What will happen to the tourist once they are underground and out of site? It is hard to say. Perhaps they will be dissected by alien doctors to find out all the weaknesses in human anatomy. This does not seem reasonable since aliens have been visiting the earth for thousands of years and have had the opportunity to snatch away millions of humans for dissection and experimentation. Another theory that we have postulated at this publication is that aliens will be kidnapping humans for some sort of alien/human hybrid. Of course like our quandary with the dissection theory, aliens have had millions of years to produce hybrids. It is unlikely they need to create even more hybrids than they have already.

Having eliminated all other possible motives for the tourist tunnel to alienville, it is obvious that the aliens and our government have conspired to commit the most heinous crimes against the laziest people amongst us. Namely, those who would rather ride a train underground than, walk overland with an open view of Lake Michigan. That crime would be the total replacement of our bodies and minds with exact duplicates. These duplicates would be identical to us in every way except, their souls would be from another world.

Mind transference has long been used in science fiction stories to explain how aliens would take over the earth. But, here at Humor News Outerspace Nuts, we work only with facts, not fictions. We therefore concluded that we must do some field research to find some facts. My brother Mike and my brother Tim went out to Sleeping Bear Dunes in order to look around for any strange anomalies. I and my colleague Girard went to a local bar to see if any of the locals had heard anything about strange activities near the Dunes.

While I sat in the bar waiting for Gerard to show up, I noticed in the paper that there was a bumper crop of peas being harvested this year. One farmer noted that some of his pods were “gigantic”. This led me to begin to form a hypothesis as to how the aliens were creating their humanoid duplicates. It seems sometime back when I was very young; there was a news show on TV documenting how aliens took over the earth by leaving giant pods next to people while they slept. It might have been the Today Show or 60 Minutes, I’m not sure. It does not matter what the show was, all that mattered was finding the evidence now so these pea pod people could be stopped. If the aliens were not stopped the new tunnel would be like a replacement factory. Like in the news documentary I remember from my childhood, humans would be replaced by identical aliens grown from giant pea pods. Humans would come in one side of the Sand Dunes tunnel and aliens would emerge from the other. Somewhere along the trip the people would go to sleep and the giant pods would become replacements. After the replacement process was over, the human body would be nothing more than an empty shell that would turn to dust so there would be no evidence of the skulduggery

Upon Gerard’s arrival, I instructed him to begin asking people if they knew of any giant pea pods in the area that might be big enough to fit a human inside of them. Gerard went around to at least a half a dozen tables but, he reported to me no one had heard of such pods. It of course seemed curious to me that no one had heard of the pods so, I decided to reinterview the people Gerard had just talked to. I immediately struck pay dirt. When I asked if they had heard of anyone talking about giant human sized pea pods, they all said yes. It seems everyone Gerard had talked to had heard of the giant pea pods. This was proof positive the aliens were at work in Area 91. As far a Gerard not getting the same answer I received, it seems my tact at asking difficult questions was simply greater than his.

Unfortunately, my brothers turned up no new evidence at the dunes. I’m afraid they spent more time on the beach talking to girls than doing any actual investigation. I would have gone to the Dunes myself but, my car was recently destroyed by a big foot during an overnight investigation in Kalkaska.

So, we may only have limited proof of the conspiracy to replace humans with aliens via giant pea pods. After all, the tunnel is not even being built yet. One thing is for sure; we will be watching and paying close attention to any and all happenings in Area 91. I will also never eat pea pods again because I’m afraid someone I know could be inside. My uncle Marty disappeared a few years ago near the Sand Dunes. I never have believed the story that he sneaked off to Canada to avoid paying child support.

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON

By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?


But wait, there is an alternate argument put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems there is a reason our former moon walkers and our government never wants to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than Buzz Aldrin's’ speech when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “Giant Leap”. We need context to explain the disaster that was our first contact.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere.There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export all over the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

ALIENS IN LONG LAKE: THIRD AND FINAL REPORT

This is Tim Collin with the final report on the alien ship that crash landed in Long Lake near Interlochen Michigan. I am now back at my office after a weekend of trying to locate the alien craft and it’s occupants. In my last report, the raft that I and Gerard (the strange guy that raises rats), was dissolving. The raft the twins were in was also going to the bottom of Long Lake. Actually, it was strangely dissolving into the surface water. It seems the stuff you use to inflate and temporally fix flat tires on cars, doesn’t work on rafts made of “Uh Oh”. My brother went snorkeling to try to find what was at the bottom of Long Lake and had come up missing. It was dark out and the mosquitoes were terrible and, worst of all something kept bumping up underneath our sinking/dissolving boat.

Well, my brother turned up. He was of course banging away at the bottom of my raft for over two hours before he figured out that he could get to the surface easier just by swimming out from under the boat. He thought if he banged on the bottom I would move our sinking raft. I was curious as to how my brother Mike could breathe while under the boat for more than two hours? I thought he should have at least suffered brain damage but, I wasin’t sure how to tell if my brother had lost any brain cells since he was never all that bright anyway.

So how did my brother survive hours without coming to the surface or breathing through his snorkel? It turns out that I had forgotten that my brother was born with a fully functional set of gills. When my brother was born, the doctors told my parents that my father should stop feeding his family with fish he caught from the cooling pond at the local nuclear plant. My dad said that before my brother was born, my mother developed an appetite for fish. We din’t have any money so, my dad got a special permit from the Department of Natural Resources to take all the fish he wanted from the nuclear cooling pond without paying for a license. Dad said that the fish were easy to catch with a net since they spent their time floating on top of the water. I wonder if the webbing between my toes has anything to do with the nuclear pond fish I ate as a kid?


After my brother was back on board our sinking boat, the twins descended into the water as their raft with a final, bubbling fizz, finished dissolving. My brother was on board the raft with myself and Gerard for only about 15 minutes before our boat fizzled out from under us leaving us up to our necks in water. Luckily we were only in about three feet of water so we all just stood up and walked about 100 feet up to the beach.

We collapsed on the beach, tired and covered with mosquito bites. This would seem to have been a wasted effort except, along the beach there were strange, non-human looking clawed footprints. After we all recovered from our walk to the beach, we followed the tracks until they disappeared into a bunch of thick bushes. As we looked into the bushes a pair of shinny eyes glowed back at us. This thing was definitely not human. It made a snarling sound then, moved slowing off into the night. The strange thing was, as we followed the foot prints down the beach, every so often we would come upon a fish head left behind, evidently by the creature. It seems the alien only eats the bodies of it’s victims and leaves the heads behind.

We came back later that day to make some plaster castes but, the waves had washed away the tracks the alien had left behind. We wanted some proof to debunk the NASA cover-up story. However, with our alien contact, I guess we debunked the NASA explanation that there was just a weather balloon that crashed last week. At least our group witnessed the alien entity and its barbaric eating habits.

In conclusion, there was something out there. This thing is not even remotely human. It eats bodies and leaves heads behind as it meanders around beaches with its long, clawed feet. Someday, when we have better technologies, we will return to Long Lake and try once again to discover the location of the craft that landed there. We might even make first contact with the thing we encountered on the beach. Like agent Moulder of the X-Files TV show use to say, “Something is out there”.

2009 ALIEN SPACESHIP CRASHES NEAR INTERLOCHEN MICHIGAN PART 1 OF ?

We have just found out that a small craft from outer space crash landed today at approximately 1:04 a.m. Eastern Time, with daylight savings time included. A streak of light moved over the northern hemisphere and suddenly plunged into Long Lake just about 4 miles from the Interlochen Center for the Arts Academy located in Northern Michigan. Perhaps they are coming to watch the Willie Nelson concert. We just don’t know.

We have been spending the day putting together a Delta Force group to investigate and if needed, take on these aliens in some sort of intergalactic war. To be a part of this lethal force of good guys, you must have seen the new Star Trek movie at least six times. We know no one else is qualified to deal with space aliens.

The delta force includes me, Tim Collin; I am a proud geek and have no life. The group also includes my brother Mike; he is the most expendable member and will be forced to sacrifice himself to save the earth. We have the twin very nice looking sisters, Laurie and Carrie. They both are “C” students at the local college but, they love Star Trek, Battle Star Galatica and, Babylon five. My brother Ted wimped out on us so, I was forced to get my cousin Gerard to help out. Gerard raises rats in his basement and then sells them to schools for experimentation purposes. Gerard is our creepy, not too bright guy. I told everyone to stay away from him. Finally, I found a guy named Bob to come along as our photographer and video guy. He has a cell phone that takes video pictures. Cool!!!

It is now 4:00 P.M and our team will set up camp near the site of the crash at 0100 hours from now (I think that is 5:00 P.M.). We have our wet suits and snorkeling gear. We’ve chartered several rubber boats that we will need to blow up after we’ve set up camp. The twins said they would bring a pump. Things are getting really exciting now.

We will soon be in the wilds of Northern Michigan looking for life forms from a distant world. Will they be friendly or hostile? We will find out? We will report back when we can and if we can. Good luck humanity as we of Delta Force go off to fight the foes of the universe to protect the American way of life. We defend freedom and liberty and, the choice to get really, really fat and out of shape like my brother Mike or, to have respect for yourself and stay lean and mean like me.