ON OCTOBER 9TH, 2009: NASA ATTACKED THE MOON MEN

On October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon. This is a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Commander Buzz Alden of Apollo 11 was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Buzz stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were indistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the moon with our crap.
Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap are planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite would then hurl itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakened the structure the second bomb finished it off.

WE DON'T DO ROCKET SHIPS, BUT WE STILL HAVE FIREWORKS

By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.

In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.One thing that we Americans are good at is making fireworks. That's a technology that we invented and nobody does it better.

Personally, I love setting off fireworks in Michigan that I buy in other states. The good fireworks are all illegal in Michigan. The one problem that I have with setting off the fireworks is that for some strange reason the instructions are all in Chinese. I guess we write the instructions in Chinese because we export a lot of fireworks to the Chinese mainland.

I WAS THE WORLDS FIRST INTERNET ORPHAN

By Gerrard
It is the season for lots of movies. I just wish they’d let me bring my own pop and pop corn to the cinema. I could watch two movies for the price of the dog gone pop and pop corn. One thing I do like about theatre popcorn is the extra butter option. Butter is one of those things you just can’t get enough of in life. A lot of times that hot butter poured over the popcorn are the only reason to finish watching some of those really crummy movies. All those romance movies have the women all crying into their hankies while the guys are stuffing their face with popcorn and every guy is just wishing the movie would end. Popcorn is a guy’s comfort food when the movie is making him feel really uncomfortable.

The movie “Tron” is really good but, it kind of brings back some bad memories from my childhood. You see my father was absorbed into the Internet and has never returned. My mom told me the story of how my dad disappeared back when I was still in grade school.

The story begins with Al Gore and his invention of the Internet. At that time Al Gore was just a Senator so he had lot’s extra time to spend as a mad scientist working in the field of astrophysics. Al Gore was the person given credit by historians as the person who created the Internet but, it was really my father who made the ultimate sacrifice so that billions of people could communicate and be entertained with just the click of a button.

Before my father made his sacrifice communication via a very crude Internet connection was difficult and nasty. Al Gore used his vast knowledge of the space/time continuum along with his psychic abilities to predict weather patterns in order to construct a parallel universe to this one. This parallel universe is still used for the transmission and reception of all signals over the Internet. Fiber optic cable and other transmission lines are really just a rouse perpetrated by the government and technology companies so that people make payments to be hooked up to the Internet when in fact every cable guy knows that the Internet is not a system of cables and routers but is in fact a separate universe from our own to which any computer can be connected without any type of signal enhancer or cable. In order to connect to this other universe and hence the Internet all the cable guy does is press down “Alt” on the keyboard and triple click the mouse at the same time.

Al Gore found that in order to setup the Internet he needed to have a hook-up done in the alternate universe. My father at the time was a TV repairman and he really bought into the idea of an Internet that could stream football games anywhere anytime. When a note was put up in the break room where my dad worked asking for a volunteer to travel into an alternate universe and hook up the Internet my dad did not hesitate to volunteer. He was the only volunteer so he was chosen to go.

I almost remember the day he said goodbye. My mom told me that whatever happened that he would always be out there. My mom was later told by a government guy that my dad disappeared into the Internet but, never came back. It seems that my dad was tuned into trillions of photons and sent into the alternate universe to make the hook-up to this one. It was estimated that after one hour my dad should have the job done. At that time the “Alt” key was to be held down and the mouse was supposed to be clicked three times. Well, everything went as planned. My dad vanished into the Internet and after an hour a computer geek was ready to extract my father from the alternate universe. The geek pressed down the “Alt” key but, because he had been drinking coffee lattés all day the geek was jittery and did about fifty clicks instead of three. Well, my dad was gone and no one was able to find him again. They told my mom that my dad most likely disappeared into the trillions of bits of information sent over the great Internet.

I still think my dad might come back. Sometimes I go down into the basement and do an “Alt” triple click on my keyboard. I just wish I could afford to hook up to the internet.

PETOSKEY STONE BRAIN DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on EBay.

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON REVISITED

Today the government has admitted that the moon has more water on it then has been acknowledged in the past. For decades the U.S. government has been telling the America people that we can not return to the moon because there is not any water there. Liar, Liar pants on fire. Evidently, some whistle blower was getting ready to blow his whistle on the Feds. Out of panic, we now know there are oceans of water on the moon but, the water looks like the soil in dads' vegetable garden; dry, dusty sand. In lieu of these new developments, we are republishing an earlier story entitled:

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON
By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?

But wait, there is an alternate scenario for maned space flight put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems to be a reason our former moon walkers and our government never want to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than the speech Buzz Aldrin gave when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “ The Giant Leap”. We need information to explain the disaster that was our first contact. Unfortunately, no posthumous tell all publications written by our astronauts has surfaced yet. Therefor, for now we do not know what happened but, our Astronauts had a few negotiations with The Leap but, evidently the Leap told our guys to leave the moon and never come back.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere. There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export to the United States and the rest of the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

Meanwhile back here on Earth, we will be going deeper and deeper into debt buying all our technology gadgets from the Chinese/Leap partnership. Luckily, the Giant Leap in addition to their technical abilities are also great bankers. Soon we will have Citi-Leap and Chase-Leap credit cards. Watch out for the reverse mortgages the Leap will soon be offering.

THE MATADOR FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
A 1973 AMC Matador sports vehicle recently turned up in Midland Michigan. What got my attention to this news is that the owner said it was delivered by space aliens in pristine condition and that anything made by the late car maker AMC is even in existence anywhere especially, a Matador. The Matador is a mysterious car because there were millions of them sold and they only ran on one speed (down hill). One bragging point for the Matador was that they never stalled out. Of course no one actually ever got one started but, they made a nice conversation piece for a lawn ornament. Neighbors would often call them an eyesore; wild animals would often call them home.

On my way to Midland to investigate the space/time anomaly, I decided to take a quick detour to visit one of the first scientists to observe peculiarities in the structure of the vehicle known as the Matador. The name of the scientist is Dr. Harry Weirman and he is currently a resident/client in the nation’s number one correctional facility for the psychopathic and homicidal maniacs who are incurably insane. The name of this facility is Grand Rapids Michigan.

When you enter the Grand Rapids facility you might think the complex is some sort of modern city with buildings and highways running through it. This is really just an illusion of being in a normal urban environment. It keeps the patients calm. Of course the sane person upon entering the facility immediately notices that the highways have only off ramps. There are no on ramps so no one can ever escape. I thought to myself that Rod Serling must have designed this place because it definitely reminded me of some lost episode of “The Twilight Zone”.

When I had asked for permission from the Supreme Court of the United States to visit the Grand Rapids facility they instructed me to make sure I visited Meijer Gardens because it is an excellent place to visit and besides, Dr. Weirman worked there with the flora. When I arrived at Meijer Gardens I was struck by the absolute beauty of the place. When I got out of my car to go meet Dr. Weirman I noticed that many of the inmates were wearing wooden shoes. At first I thought that they wore wooden shoes because the facility was first started by the Dutch. Later on I was told that the wooden shoes were akin to a rubber room. Evidently, some of the inmates liked to try to inflict pain upon them by stubbing their toes.

Normally, when I leave my vehicle I do not lock the doors. I already hocked anything of value in it for food and the outside was almost completely covered with rust so no one would steal it to sell. I was a little afraid that one of the inmates might decide to try to escape or go for a joy ride with my vehicle and then I would have to sell my left kidney to get home (I sold my right kidney last year for a trip to Disney World”. I hope to soon get a new kidney from China to replace my old one I sold. The last one I bought on line from China turned out to be a kidney from a tuna fish. In addition, when I unpacked the liver after delivery, it stunk something terrible. Evidently the tuna liver spoiled since it was packed in water and not in oil.

After locking my vehicle (unfortunately I locked the keys inside), I was greeted by several inmates who were dressed up as policemen. They told me that my vehicle looked dangerous and it should be off the road. I replied that it could not be too dangerous because it had a top speed with the wind at its back and going downhill of just 45 mph.

The police (inmate) then asked me if I intended on staying around long and I replied that I was there by order of the Supreme Court of the United States to interview Dr. Weirman. One of the inmates escorted me to the place where Dr. Weirman was supposed to be working but, he was a no show that day. It seems Dr. Weirman decided the night before to cure his constipation by eating a raw chicken. Unfortunately his prescription for a good bowl movement worked way to well and he ended up in the hospital facilities almost dead from severe dehydration and massive internal organ displacement.

While I was waiting for someone to get me a wire clothes hanger so I could unlock my car door and get to my keys, I received a text message from Dr. Weirman in which he expressed his regret on not being able to meet me. He also said that the 1973 Matador was ugly and poorly made however; it was the perfect vehicle for time travel especially if there were an Egyptian pyramid nearby or some giant tower which was filled with treated water from Lake Huron. This was a eureka moment for me because I knew that the city of Midland must have water towers and I surmised that the water that was drank there came from Lake Huron. The only thing I did not know for sure was whether or not the water in Midland was treated. For purposes of keeping this adventure under budget (I don’t have much money for gas) we will just say that Midland does treat their water and hence this 1973 Matador I was going to see does have the ability to travel in time.

In respect to time and travel, I was beginning to feel like it was taking an awful long time to get to Midland from Grand Rapids. I pulled off at a McDonalds and looked my map.
It seems like I had mixed up the cities of Grand Rapids and Big Rapids. That meant I would be traveling an additional 200 miles that day.

Finally, I arrived in Midland Michigan and at the home of Ben Braggin, the owner of the Matador. The Matador was sitting in the front yard of his house. It had a white top and the rest of the body was painted blue with a white race stripe down each side. When I got out of the car Ben Braggin was right there to meet me.

“Hi I’m Ben Braggin,” he said. “You must be Ted Colin. You re the person that attended my online video conference about my Matador that was returned to me from outer space. I should not have had it during the dinner hours then; maybe someone else would have attended.”

“Well I’m certainly glad I attended,” I responded. “Furthermore, after checking with a scientific expert in the field of space/time continuum anomalies, I now have a conclusive saved text message on my phone that proves that the 1973 Matador is capable of time travel.” In fact it was used as the basis for all those movies in the 1980’s about a time traveling Delorean.

Ben Braggin told me that he had been all across the universe and visited every single place at every single moment of time. When I saw his 1993 Matador I could see it had a lot of wear and tear build into it. The doors were all rusted shut so I never did get inside to drive her to a galaxy far, far and away

Soon I was on my way home so I stopped in Clare Michigan to see if at least I could end this investigation with a good bar fight. Well the young Irish girl that picked a fight with me kicked me so hard in certain places that I won’t ever have to worry about having children.

Addendum: It turns out that the 1973 Matador is now missing again. This might have something to do with the current prices of scrap metal.

THE USS KALAMAZOO: WWII SPACE/TIME EXPERIMENTS ON LAKE HURON

In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now. The only survivors on our ship were myself and that Road Enberry guy that went on to do that starhip show. He was a navy guy you know. The rest of the crew was burned to a crisp from the radiation and they were never heard from again.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

SPACE ALIENS RULE

SPACE ALIENS RULE
By Tim Collin
It has come to our attention at this organization that many people blogging on the Internet have found evidence that the President of the United States was born a space alien. To be precise, the blogers maintain that the President was born somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy.

I decided to confirm the origins of the President by going out on the streets of the city to see if I could find anyone who could confirm the story on the blogosphere. You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Many things found on the Internet are reported by people who have no knowledge of the topic they are covering. Therefore, in order to get to the bottom of the story I like to go out and ask people on the street what they believe.

It was a dark and lonely night when I went out on the town and asked people if they believed that the President of the United States was a space alien. Most of the people just smiled at me, the kind of smile people have when they just secretly passed gas. A couple of people seemed angry when I asked them the question. Clearly these annoyed individuals were space aliens themselves and were afraid I had found them out. Finally, I found a man that was more than willing to give me an extensive interview about aliens running our nation.

The man said his name was Fred. I figured Fred knew about space aliens since he was staggering from lamp post to lamp post like Fred had just been dropped off by a space ship and was having trouble adjusting to our gravity. Fred confirmed his abduction when he stated that he had no idea what had happened to him over the previous twenty four hours, forty eight hours, two weeks or, thirty years.

“The aliens are all over and you just don’t know when they will pick you up and take you to Miami.” Fred exclaimed “It seems like whenever it starts getting cold up here I end up being kidnapped and wake up in some homeless shelter in Miami. My ex-wife is a space alien. You know she was president of the United States once. Of course I was top her general. Yeah I’m pretty sure Reagan is a space alien. I voted for him last year. Now that I know that he’s not from here I won’t vote for Reagan next year. Those space aliens are all over. Why don’t they just all go back to Texas? I visited that planet once and went to jail. They said I was drunk and disorderly. I don’t even drink that much. I did admit to the officer that I had a problem with alcohol. My problem was I could not afford to buy the amount I needed to get me thought the night. “ . “

The insights Fred had definitely shed light on the problems we are having with aliens taking over America. I think my family members might be space aliens. I’m not sure when the aliens changed bodies with my brothers and parents. I’m thinking it was when I turned sixteen. It seems not one of them understood me then. At any rate, I’m keeping my eye on everyone.

THE REPLACEMENT FACTORY: THE ALIEN PLAN TO REPLACE US

Recently, a local newspaper indicated that the government will be using economic stimulus money to build a tunnel under the National Park called Sleeping Bear Dunes (known as the secret alien earth station, Area 91). Tourists will be trucked under the sand dunes via a train. No one currently studying UFO phenomenon has ever considered the possibility that the government would be so blatant in its attempt to work with aliens to take over the earth. The government is proposing to take trainloads of unsuspecting tourist underground to perhaps the largest alien base on the planet.

What will happen to the tourist once they are underground and out of site? It is hard to say. Perhaps they will be dissected by alien doctors to find out all the weaknesses in human anatomy. This does not seem reasonable since aliens have been visiting the earth for thousands of years and have had the opportunity to snatch away millions of humans for dissection and experimentation. Another theory that we have postulated at this publication is that aliens will be kidnapping humans for some sort of alien/human hybrid. Of course like our quandary with the dissection theory, aliens have had millions of years to produce hybrids. It is unlikely they need to create even more hybrids than they have already.

Having eliminated all other possible motives for the tourist tunnel to alienville, it is obvious that the aliens and our government have conspired to commit the most heinous crimes against the laziest people amongst us. Namely, those who would rather ride a train underground than, walk overland with an open view of Lake Michigan. That crime would be the total replacement of our bodies and minds with exact duplicates. These duplicates would be identical to us in every way except, their souls would be from another world.

Mind transference has long been used in science fiction stories to explain how aliens would take over the earth. But, here at Humor News Outerspace Nuts, we work only with facts, not fictions. We therefore concluded that we must do some field research to find some facts. My brother Mike and my brother Tim went out to Sleeping Bear Dunes in order to look around for any strange anomalies. I and my colleague Girard went to a local bar to see if any of the locals had heard anything about strange activities near the Dunes.

While I sat in the bar waiting for Gerard to show up, I noticed in the paper that there was a bumper crop of peas being harvested this year. One farmer noted that some of his pods were “gigantic”. This led me to begin to form a hypothesis as to how the aliens were creating their humanoid duplicates. It seems sometime back when I was very young; there was a news show on TV documenting how aliens took over the earth by leaving giant pods next to people while they slept. It might have been the Today Show or 60 Minutes, I’m not sure. It does not matter what the show was, all that mattered was finding the evidence now so these pea pod people could be stopped. If the aliens were not stopped the new tunnel would be like a replacement factory. Like in the news documentary I remember from my childhood, humans would be replaced by identical aliens grown from giant pea pods. Humans would come in one side of the Sand Dunes tunnel and aliens would emerge from the other. Somewhere along the trip the people would go to sleep and the giant pods would become replacements. After the replacement process was over, the human body would be nothing more than an empty shell that would turn to dust so there would be no evidence of the skulduggery

Upon Gerard’s arrival, I instructed him to begin asking people if they knew of any giant pea pods in the area that might be big enough to fit a human inside of them. Gerard went around to at least a half a dozen tables but, he reported to me no one had heard of such pods. It of course seemed curious to me that no one had heard of the pods so, I decided to reinterview the people Gerard had just talked to. I immediately struck pay dirt. When I asked if they had heard of anyone talking about giant human sized pea pods, they all said yes. It seems everyone Gerard had talked to had heard of the giant pea pods. This was proof positive the aliens were at work in Area 91. As far a Gerard not getting the same answer I received, it seems my tact at asking difficult questions was simply greater than his.

Unfortunately, my brothers turned up no new evidence at the dunes. I’m afraid they spent more time on the beach talking to girls than doing any actual investigation. I would have gone to the Dunes myself but, my car was recently destroyed by a big foot during an overnight investigation in Kalkaska.

So, we may only have limited proof of the conspiracy to replace humans with aliens via giant pea pods. After all, the tunnel is not even being built yet. One thing is for sure; we will be watching and paying close attention to any and all happenings in Area 91. I will also never eat pea pods again because I’m afraid someone I know could be inside. My uncle Marty disappeared a few years ago near the Sand Dunes. I never have believed the story that he sneaked off to Canada to avoid paying child support.

GOVERNMENT SAYS WE ARE ALIEN CONSPIRACY MOUTHPIECE

By Ted Colin
The Government has accused The Humor News Nuts blogs of being nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Space Alien Conspiracy Party. It is true that I and my brothers have in the past volunteered to work for political candidates that run on the Space Alien Conspiracy Party platform. We hope that one day SACP will be a major force in politics. Then, once and for all, the many alien conspiracies discussed by people that think as we do will be taught as fact to the general population. And the mundane problems we have on planet earth (wars, famine, and climate change etc.) will all pale in comparison to the problems we can create once we begin to deal with intelligent creatures on other worlds.

In regards to dealing with intelligent creatures on other worlds, so far the moon creatures known as the Giant Leap have not retaliated for our hostile attack carried out two weeks ago. It is interesting that one of the scientists who helped to discover ice water on the moon has been recently arrested for spying. The government’s cover story as to why they launched the missiles was that they, the government, were trying to find water on the moon. Of course it was really an attempt to knock out an anti-matter refining plant controlled by the Giant Leap. Well, somehow the arrest of the lunar ice guy within weeks of blasting the moon where the ice guy said there was ice doesn’t hold water. We will continue to follow this developing story.

NASA LAUNCHES INTERPLANETARY WAR

By Tim Colin
This week NASA will bomb the moon. This will be a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Neil Armstrong of Apollo 11, was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Neil Armstrong stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small Leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were undistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the planet with out crap.

Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap is planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite will then hurly itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakens the structure the second bomb will finish it off.

THE MONSTER ON THE MOON

By Tim Collin
Recently, we celebrated the 40Th anniversary of the first humans to land on the moon. What I cannot believe is that after 40 years, what is unbelievable is that we do not have a moon colony at the present time. In fact, there is a great debate as to whether or not we should ever go back to the moon. The thought that mankind will never go back to the moon is very troubling. It takes the wind out of your sails when you’re shooting alien beings on your computer at work. It’s like life does not matter at all since you will never get the chance to kill real space aliens or blast off into space with hot chicks like O’hora, Seven of Nine or, Topal. Is this the end for manned space flight? Will emasculated space drones be the only connection humans have with the great infinity which is space?


But wait, there is an alternate argument put forward by none other than the first astronauts to land on the moon. These men argue that instead of going to the moon we should simply skip the moon and do not pass go and, go directly to Mars. The original astronauts to the moon seem emphatic that we should not return to the moon but, should go directly to Mars although, Mars is at best a little over six months from Earth and the moon is at most three days. In addition, blasting off a mission to Mars from the moon would be cheaper, much more energy efficient and, just plain super smart compared to blasting off from Earth which amounts to sitting on a keg of gun powder and lighting a fuse with the hope of going up.

After an extensive investigation, there seems there is a reason our former moon walkers and our government never wants to travel back to the moon. To find the answer you need go no further than Buzz Aldrin's’ speech when he first set foot on the moon way back in 1969. He said this is “One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” It is so obvious. What is a “Giant Leap”? The speech had nothing to do with the articulation of the feet. Instead, Buzz actually meant that this was first contact with an alien race. The name of this moon based race was “Giant Leap”. We need context to explain the disaster that was our first contact.

We Americans of course, don’t care about what the Chinese people do. What we do care about is the new virtual oriented machines that are coming out of China. Communicating with each other and games are the backbone of the American lifestyle. Of course, the Giant Leap are the greatest makers of video games and communications equipment in the galaxy. This is logical. The Giant Leap live on the moon. There is no more baron place than our moon. It's dry, dusty and does not even have an atmosphere.There is nothing to do on the moon except perfect video games and cell phones.

Well, it seems American astronauts for some reason, are afraid of the Leap. However, China has announced plans to go to the moon and take it over but,in reality they will just be helping to set up factories on the moon which will be run by the Giant Leap.

China makes no bones about it's unholy alliance with the moon aliens known as the Giant Leap. The Giant Leaps have many slaves available amongst the other creatures on the moon known as the little leaps. The little leaps will be making the stuff that the Chinese can export all over the world and make great profits. The technology of the Giant Leap and the factory efficiency of the Chinese. The next generation of techno nerds will have games we can only dream about. Perhaps our astronauts will be playing these games on their long trip to Mars.

NASA LAUNCHES ATTACK AGAINST MOON MONSTERS

NASA has bombed the moon. This is a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Commander Buzz Alden of Apollo 11 was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Buzz stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were undistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the planet with out crap.
Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap is planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite will then hurly itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakens the structure the second bomb will finish it off.

ALIENS IN LONG LAKE: THIRD AND FINAL REPORT

This is Tim Collin with the final report on the alien ship that crash landed in Long Lake near Interlochen Michigan. I am now back at my office after a weekend of trying to locate the alien craft and it’s occupants. In my last report, the raft that I and Gerard (the strange guy that raises rats), was dissolving. The raft the twins were in was also going to the bottom of Long Lake. Actually, it was strangely dissolving into the surface water. It seems the stuff you use to inflate and temporally fix flat tires on cars, doesn’t work on rafts made of “Uh Oh”. My brother went snorkeling to try to find what was at the bottom of Long Lake and had come up missing. It was dark out and the mosquitoes were terrible and, worst of all something kept bumping up underneath our sinking/dissolving boat.

Well, my brother turned up. He was of course banging away at the bottom of my raft for over two hours before he figured out that he could get to the surface easier just by swimming out from under the boat. He thought if he banged on the bottom I would move our sinking raft. I was curious as to how my brother Mike could breathe while under the boat for more than two hours? I thought he should have at least suffered brain damage but, I wasin’t sure how to tell if my brother had lost any brain cells since he was never all that bright anyway.

So how did my brother survive hours without coming to the surface or breathing through his snorkel? It turns out that I had forgotten that my brother was born with a fully functional set of gills. When my brother was born, the doctors told my parents that my father should stop feeding his family with fish he caught from the cooling pond at the local nuclear plant. My dad said that before my brother was born, my mother developed an appetite for fish. We din’t have any money so, my dad got a special permit from the Department of Natural Resources to take all the fish he wanted from the nuclear cooling pond without paying for a license. Dad said that the fish were easy to catch with a net since they spent their time floating on top of the water. I wonder if the webbing between my toes has anything to do with the nuclear pond fish I ate as a kid?


After my brother was back on board our sinking boat, the twins descended into the water as their raft with a final, bubbling fizz, finished dissolving. My brother was on board the raft with myself and Gerard for only about 15 minutes before our boat fizzled out from under us leaving us up to our necks in water. Luckily we were only in about three feet of water so we all just stood up and walked about 100 feet up to the beach.

We collapsed on the beach, tired and covered with mosquito bites. This would seem to have been a wasted effort except, along the beach there were strange, non-human looking clawed footprints. After we all recovered from our walk to the beach, we followed the tracks until they disappeared into a bunch of thick bushes. As we looked into the bushes a pair of shinny eyes glowed back at us. This thing was definitely not human. It made a snarling sound then, moved slowing off into the night. The strange thing was, as we followed the foot prints down the beach, every so often we would come upon a fish head left behind, evidently by the creature. It seems the alien only eats the bodies of it’s victims and leaves the heads behind.

We came back later that day to make some plaster castes but, the waves had washed away the tracks the alien had left behind. We wanted some proof to debunk the NASA cover-up story. However, with our alien contact, I guess we debunked the NASA explanation that there was just a weather balloon that crashed last week. At least our group witnessed the alien entity and its barbaric eating habits.

In conclusion, there was something out there. This thing is not even remotely human. It eats bodies and leaves heads behind as it meanders around beaches with its long, clawed feet. Someday, when we have better technologies, we will return to Long Lake and try once again to discover the location of the craft that landed there. We might even make first contact with the thing we encountered on the beach. Like agent Moulder of the X-Files TV show use to say, “Something is out there”.

ALIENS IN LONG LAKE: SECOND REPORT

This is Tim Collin with our second report on the mysterious space craft that streaked across the Northern Hemisphere and crash landed into Long Lake about four miles from Interlochen Michigan in Grand Traverse County. As I described in our last blog before we went out on our Delta Force expedition to defend the planet Earth from invaders, I had asked our group if anyone had pumps? I assumed they realized we needed pumps to inflate our rubber rafts. The twins named Laurie and Carrie said they would each bring pumps so I thought “problem solved.” These two beautiful and Star Trek loving community college girls each brought a pair of shoes they called pumps which, of course, could not blow up our rubber rafts. Luckily, my brother Mike, who could not ever hope to pass a class in remedial PE on the community college level, decided to try blowing up our rafts using cans of “Fix-A-Flat”. This actually worked. At least it worked for a while. I’ll get to that later.

Meanwhile, on our special government sequenced radio monitoring devices which monitor government transmissions (also known as FM radio), we heard from one source (NPR Radio) that NASA said that the sighting was actually just a weather balloon. We professionals in the alien investigating field know that of course, NASA always says everything extra terrestrial is a weather balloon. If the Earth had as many weather balloons sticking into it as the NASA guys say it has sticking out of it then it would look like a planet with a bunch of weather balloons sticking into it, or out of it or, I’m not sure what I am saying. I just know that I’m right. This is what NASA does when it comes to aliens, it confuses you so you don’t know if you are sticking in or sticking out. Some times my shirt tale’s in. Some times my shirt tale’s out. Woe is me. I just want to go home. Especially because the mosquito’s are so bad out here after dark.

While the rest of us were out floating around in our boats all day today, my brother Mike decided to go snorkeling to see if he could locate the crash sight. We haven’t seen him since and it has been 2 hours. I fear for the worst. We shoved him over (dropped him off) in the middle of Long Lake and he can’t swim very well. I’m afraid the aliens have abducted him. What is worse? I have something constantly coming up from the lake and pounding on the bottom of my boat. This has been going on for about the last 2 hours.

Another problem has become apparent. This problem was caused by the “Fix-A-Flat” solution we used to inflate our rubber boats. Apart from not using this product for the designed purposes that the label warns us about, it also has the side affect of dissolving the fake rubber our boats are made of. It seems our boats were made in a country called Chuna. Chuna is a country that makes rip-off products of rip-off products produced in China. According to the box, our boats are not made of rubber or plastic but, of the new space age material known as Uhoh". This is as in “uh oh, I think we are sinking”. "Uhoh", is also the main ingredient in the tuna substitute, low cost product, found in cans of chuna fish.

There it goes again. Something keeps hitting the bottom of my boat. I guess I will have to wait awhile before I can report on more of our investigation. My lap top battery is running low and I dropped my cell phone in the bottom of the boat which has about three inches of water in it right now.

2009 ALIEN SPACESHIP CRASHES NEAR INTERLOCHEN MICHIGAN PART 1 OF ?

We have just found out that a small craft from outer space crash landed today at approximately 1:04 a.m. Eastern Time, with daylight savings time included. A streak of light moved over the northern hemisphere and suddenly plunged into Long Lake just about 4 miles from the Interlochen Center for the Arts Academy located in Northern Michigan. Perhaps they are coming to watch the Willie Nelson concert. We just don’t know.

We have been spending the day putting together a Delta Force group to investigate and if needed, take on these aliens in some sort of intergalactic war. To be a part of this lethal force of good guys, you must have seen the new Star Trek movie at least six times. We know no one else is qualified to deal with space aliens.

The delta force includes me, Tim Collin; I am a proud geek and have no life. The group also includes my brother Mike; he is the most expendable member and will be forced to sacrifice himself to save the earth. We have the twin very nice looking sisters, Laurie and Carrie. They both are “C” students at the local college but, they love Star Trek, Battle Star Galatica and, Babylon five. My brother Ted wimped out on us so, I was forced to get my cousin Gerard to help out. Gerard raises rats in his basement and then sells them to schools for experimentation purposes. Gerard is our creepy, not too bright guy. I told everyone to stay away from him. Finally, I found a guy named Bob to come along as our photographer and video guy. He has a cell phone that takes video pictures. Cool!!!

It is now 4:00 P.M and our team will set up camp near the site of the crash at 0100 hours from now (I think that is 5:00 P.M.). We have our wet suits and snorkeling gear. We’ve chartered several rubber boats that we will need to blow up after we’ve set up camp. The twins said they would bring a pump. Things are getting really exciting now.

We will soon be in the wilds of Northern Michigan looking for life forms from a distant world. Will they be friendly or hostile? We will find out? We will report back when we can and if we can. Good luck humanity as we of Delta Force go off to fight the foes of the universe to protect the American way of life. We defend freedom and liberty and, the choice to get really, really fat and out of shape like my brother Mike or, to have respect for yourself and stay lean and mean like me.