ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

RP10062021

THE USS KALAMAZOO: WWII SPACE/TIME EXPERIMENTS ON LAKE HURON

In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2025. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2024 about the coming of the year 2025 that in the year 2025 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2025 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2025. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2025 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

INVASION OF THE TENT WORMS FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Collin

Day 1
The Attacks
This is the year of the great invasion of tent worm caterpillars. They are several times more numerous than previous years and, seem to be devouring everything that their mouths come into contact with. Several half eaten cattle, deer and, buffalo have been found near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in Northern Michigan. The dunes themselves have very little vegetation left on them. We investigators who are in the know, know this area to be known as AREA 91. In other words, this is like the outer space stuff that goes on at Area 51 except, you can tell by the bigger number that stuff that goes on at Area 91 is far bigger.

After poring over countless government files at the local tax assessors office, we have concluded that area 91 had a crash landing of a craft from outer space about 65 million years ago. This was of course at the time the dinosaurs died out and became extinct. We of course, by using multiple regression analysis came to the conclusion that the crash of the space ship caused the dinosaurs to die out. But, how did the crash affect the dinosaurs and what does that have to do with tent worms? The more we investigate this puzzle it seems the more pieces don’t fit like they should. It was evident that, we will have to force the pieces of this puzzle to fit together so that everything would come out just as we imagined it would. We were desperate researchers trying to stop the carnage of plants and animals by these extra terrestrial tent worms.

In order to fight the menace we at Outer Space News Nuts decided to break into three teams. The twins Laurie and Carrie, would check out the country side to find out the status of the alien invasion. My brothers Tim and Mike will go to area 91 itself and sniff sound on the sand dunes. I and Gerard, the guy that raises rats in his basement, have chosen to stay out of the front line of fire and will instead interview whoever we think can shed some light on this invasion force. Perhaps, we will stop them yet.

Day 2
The Reports Are In And It Is Not Good!!!
Tim and Mike were the first ones to make a report today. They went exploring at the Sand Dunes. They did not find the secret portal that opens up to the secret pentagon black box military base that lies beneath the dunes however, Tim and Mike did find vast swaths of vegetation missing from the sand. Along long areas of beach, there were wide areas between the water and where the vegetation started. It seems the evil beasties have carved large swaths along our Northern Beaches leaving nothing but sand behind them. It seems, these tent worms must eat organic life forms and leave silicon (sand) behind as their excrement. This is important information but, we don’t know what is so important about it? This is just one more piece of that puzzle that we are going to cram into a spot where we think it should go.

The twins reported back today that they indeed found vast areas of fruit trees where the leaves were completely eaten from the trees. A couple of leaves were found with bite imprints on them and these bite marks were immediately sent to our dentist for analysis. It seems our space aliens are not so perfect after all. Our dentist said the bite marks indicated a distinct over bite which accounts for the hideous appearance of the creature when you look directly into his face. Our Dentist also stated that judging by all the plaque left in the bite marks that our extraterrestrial friends do not brush and floss after every meal. Perhaps their poor oral hygiene might cause them to loose their teeth prematurely from periodontal disease. This is the first good news we’ve had since this crisis began.

Gerard and I played Foosball all day and drank beer. Tonight we went to the bar to play pool and watch the Tigers play (they won by the way and I‘m up another five bucks). I also won us a pitcher of beer playing pool and I won another pitcher of beer in a darts tournament. I feel so relaxed right now I almost don’t care about those creepy crawly things that eat up everything. My strategy to unwind has worked.

Day 3
The relaxation strategy that Gerard and I employed yesterday was a way for us to try to keep our heads clear during this crisis. Drinking beer all day and all night has given us the clarity of mind we need to find out how to stop these many footed creatures that live only to devour our flesh and blood and suck the chlorophyll out of our mobility challenged plant brothers. Yesterday, my brothers ( real brothers not plant brothers) and the twins, went out to gather information on the damage the space and/or time traveling tent worms have caused. Today it's Gerard and my turn at bat. We have lined up an expert to interview. This interview is so good that I’m sure we will prevail in saving the world from the tent worms. The consequences of our failure is unacceptable. On to the interview.

2 Hours Later
Gerard called in sick today. It seems he must have caught the flu at the bar last night. Or maybe he can’t face me today because I was winning all the sports contests last night. Because of my athletic abilities last night, I remember being the most popular guy at the bar. I was a lot more popular than Gerard was that's for sure. I’m also a lot better looking than Gerard. Just being around him gives most people the creeps, especially the ladies. I know I’m feeling much less creepy today without him around and I kind of like the guy.

Even without Gerard I will go ahead with my interview with our special secret scientist guest, Dr. Leon Notallthere. Dr. Notallthere was the first person to be barred from flying on airplanes. He was not just barred from domestic flights but, he has been banned from getting on any aircraft anywhere in the world. He can’t even pay to go up in a hot air balloon. It seems Dr. Notallthere was in a tussle with the pilot of an aircraft back in the 1950’s. The two men hadn’t even boarded the plane yet when they got in smack down match over a parking space at the airport.

Although the doctor has had his problems at airports, many admire him for his ability to stand up to authority figures and insist that things are done right. In addition, Doctor Notallthere is considered an expert in his field by several locals.

“Doctor Notallthere, I understand you are an expert in the field of extraterrestrial tent worms.”

“First of all,” interrupted Notallthere, “ I am an expert but not in extraterrestrial tent worms. Secondly, I am not a doctor. I never received a PhD. I have a masters degree.”

“In science?” I asked.

“No, replied Notallthere,” I have a masters degree in international fly fishing though the Calgary International Fly Fishing Institute in Calgary Canada.”

“You attended school in Canada?” I asked.

“No, I’ve never been to Canada. I received my degree on line. It costs me $397.00 (Canadian) and nearly six weeks of my life.”

“So, when I talked to you on the phone and explained our situation you said you could be of great service to us in saving the earth from tent worms. What did you mean?”

“I meant if you would reimburse my $397.00 (Canadian) tuition from fly fishing college, I will tell you how to kill these creatures. I‘m a fisherman. I know all about all types of worms. Even caterpillars. I know all about anything you can stick on a fish hook for bait.”

Since I was desperate, I agreed to his terms with one change, instead of paying him $397.00 in Canadian currency I would pay him an even $400.00 in good old American made $5.00 off coupons at the pizza place across the street. Mr. Notallthere thanked me for giving him the coupons since he wasn’t sure how he would spend the Canadian money and $5.00 off pizza coupons is like money in the bank.

Day 4
We Strike Back
It seems the answer to our problem of how to defeat the evil outer space killer tent worms was no further away than the big goobers we all produce within our mouths and then try to find a place to spit them out. It seems these particular creatures die immediately when hit by high speed mouth mucus. In other words, we destroyed the tent worm army by spitting on them. My brother Mike wanted to eat the little fur balls but, Mr. Notallthere said the creatures were deadly poisonous and that consuming them was unnecessary. It seems lambasting the worms with spit was all it took to cause the fearsome creatures to wrap themselves up in a ball and simply wither away like Count Dracula when he is hit by sun light.

We were able to mobilize everyone in Nothern Michigan to start spitting at anything that moves. There was no motivation needed to get Michiganders to spit because, we spit all the time anyway. I guess the cold weather gives us lots of sinus action and who wants to swallow that stuff.

By the end of day four, no more outer space invading tent worms were left on our planet. Humanity prevailed. The plant and animal deaths caused by the visitors has ceased. All is well yet, there are so many unanswered questions regarding these creatures. For instance, we still do not know exactly how or why they chose to come to earth. We also do not know the location of the entrance to area 91. However, we will continue searching for an opening into the secret government base beneath the sand dunes knowing one day we will uncover it’s secrets.

I can’t help wondering that if the dinosaurs had figured out that they could wipe out the tent worm infection by just spitting on the worms. Perhaps if they had,the mighty dinosaurs would be with us today.

HUMOR NEWS SPACE NUTS MEET THE MULTI-VERSE

WILL I EVER SEE ME AGAIN?
By Tim Colin

Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animimals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.

The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.

Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.

“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”

The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.

Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.

“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”

“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the kitchen and found out what the secret ingredient to these delicious burgers is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”

“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.

“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”

“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.

“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.

“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”

“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.

102923

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM EARTH

Artist Concept of a Great Leap

By Tim Colin

Editor, HNN Online Publications

This is breaking news.   It is being reported today in the early morning hours that the International Space Station has formally declared that it is an independent nation and will sever all ties with the planet earth.  This reporter has come by this exclusive story via a private written communication.   I came by this communication while reading private written communications on the back door of the second stall in Braden's Bar located in downtown Boyne City.  This story was buried within many local gossip stories and quips about the personal hygiene and dating habits of certain local individuals.   

I can vouch for this being a new news story since the doors on the bathroom stalls at Braden's Bar get freshly painted over every Thursday.  Bar Management says the fresh coat of paint each week is intended to make room for up to date news reports and not to eliminate complaints from patrons who may not want their personal information shared with the public.    Bar management tells me that "Freedom of the Press" is sacrosanct and the back of the stall door is where most local residents get most of their press news.  Of course yours truly checks out the stalls every Monday morning and I edit out with a black marker any unflattering lies and insinuations about yours truly.   Unfortunately, most of the misinformation about yours’s truly is in the women's bathroom and I have to sneak in there or else I'll receive a reprimand from bar management if I get caught.

In regards to the ISS declaring its independence from earth, I have found few if any other references to their mutiny so I'll just have to say that this sudden action by the ISS is most likely the result of an alien influence.  This influence or more likely takeover has probably been carried out by either Martians or by an intelligent species that inhabits the moon known as "The Great Leap."  These two species are the closest known intelligent inhabitants to the planet earth and therefor have the most to gain from its conquest.   However, I do not believe that hostile takeover has been orchestrated by Martians since they are too addicted to tobacco products to ever accomplish much of anything.  It is said they just muck around all day on Mars smoking cigarettes and playing tetherball.  

Now, the creatures on the moon known as "The Great Leap" are much more likely to be the instigators of the ISS plot against earth.  The Great Leap might feel a need to get revenge against earth since a few years ago the U.S. launched nuclear strikes against Great Leap subterranean cities on the moon in the hope of destroying the Great Leap's ability to wage war upon the earth.  Well, with this latest news from the International Space Station it looks as though the attempts to thwart an invasion of earth by The Great Leap has only spurred them on to seek revenge. 

So, what should you do to prepare for the looming invasion by The Great Leap?  Well, the first thing you should do is prepare for war by purchasing lots of guns and ammunition along with dry goods that can be easily stored for decades. 

The second thing you should do is to run and hide.  Of course I understand that running and hiding may not be the brave thing to do but, take it from me, it is the survivalist’s thing to do.  After all, mice and rats have been running and hiding for tens of millions of years and look how it's worked out for them:  they're still surviving and everyone screams when they see the mice and rats go scampering off into walls.  Mice and rats have truly made it to the upper rung of the evolutionary ladder because few other creatures can create such terror simply by running away.    

Now, the third thing you should do when the Great Leap invade is to hug you spouse and kids and tell them goodbye for the great leap are coming to kill them and probably will eat them alive. 

Lastly, you should position your family members in front of you because you don't want them to watch you being torn apart by The Great Leap.  Also, while you family is being killed and devoured by the moon monsters you might get a chance to slip away.   After all, you can always get a new spouse and kids but, you can't replace yourself if you're dead.

For my part, I’m getting the word out about the ensuing invasion by the Great Leap by first publishing it on the internet.   Of course after it has been read by about five people this story will undoubtedly be censured by all the governments and internet search engines of the world for having offensive content.  Space aliens seem to have a lot of influence over what gets published and read on the internet. 

In addition to my online trumpeting of the ensuing invasion I will be busy visiting bathrooms in all the bars and restaurants I can get to in order to place the news directly in the public's eye and where most people get the really important news.  And, this important story certainly deserves to be told there.  

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Norther Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.