ALIEN RAT: CODE NAME SHIVA

By Shelia

My name is Shelia and I come from the planet Weathersgood. My code name is Shiva. Shiva was an Indian god of destruction. I always tell my enemies I am Shiva, the destroyer of their world. The literate ones get it. I have to rely on snarling my teeth to scare the stupid ones.

Today I decided to add an op ed editorial to the ramblings on this blog. This is not a sanctioned piece so I have to publish it today before anyone gets here. I’m in the offices of the Humor News Nuts Blog. They really need better security. Anyone can come in here off the street and start typing. I just used my crowbar to open the door and I was inside in no time. An alarm went off but, I used my crowbar to turn it off. A crowbar is a very versatile tool and one of the most useful technologies you humans ever came up with.

I do not come in peace or to save humans. I am here in these offices today to set the record straight regarding the reason I am on your planet. You see I am not here to save you humans; I am here to save my genetic cousins whom you call rats.

The creatures you call rats were once known as “The Thirteenth Tribe” among my people. They were colonist on the planet you call earth. You see over one million years ago my people came to your planet and built a vast civilization. At that time our colonist excelled in the arts, sciences and literature. The Thirteenth Tribe was looked upon as an inspiration to my people. For over 900,000 years the Thirteenth Tribe held a seat of honor on the high council of our empire. Throughout the Universe scholars and artists would study every feature of Thirteenth Tribe culture. But, then the great plague happened which destroyed the culture of the Thirteenth Tribe.

What was that heinous plague that destroyed my people on this planet? It was no bug, no virus no deadly bacteria. Instead it was a horrific disease spread by the most dangerous monsters in the universe. The disease was stupidity and it was spread by a bunch of hairy little toads known as human beings. That’s right; humans are really a type of toad and not even remotely related to mammals. If you observe them sleeping you will notice that they usually leave their mouths open so, that even when asleep, humans can continue to catch flies with their tongues. Humans, like most toads, are obsessed with flies. Humans call zippers flies, they catch fly balls and they fear some demon known as Beelzebub; the lord of the flies.

These fly eating toads first, struck down the children of The Thirteenth Tribe. Humans, like all toads, are covered with poison filled warts. Even though they were warned, the children of our colonist still touched the toads and, became instantly addicted to video games and extreme sports. The disease spread quickly to the adult population. Over the last hundred thousand years my people on this planet have become desperate to find food and shelter. The Thirteenth Tribe has now reverted back to an epoch in which my people lacked the ability to travel in space and time.
Of course I still have to save this planet and what is left of the Thirteenth Tribe.

There is another race from another galaxy that looks like my people. They have been sending out pre-invasion parties to this planet. It seems they want to conquer and enslave my cousins but, I along with a few loyal hairy toad companions have been able to thwart all the expeditionary forces that have arrived thus far.

Even though I have hairy toads that work for me, I have to say I am very disappointed with how you hairy toads have been treating my people. There is some geek named Gerrard that raises my people for experiments. I’d like to nibble off one of his ears while he's sleeping but, he probably would look better and I don’t want to do him any favors.

I did elope back to my home world with Gerrard’s pet rat. We married and raised a family together. Unfortunately Ernie or ER (that was his name) decided that he was going to run off with a younger rat. Our marriage was over after 30 days but, we managed to raise a family together and the last one had graduated from college before ER left.

For a time my family had a pet hairy toad from earth. We kept it in a cage so no one could touch it and become stupid. It was fun to watch it on the wheel it had in its cage. I placed a picture of a female toad in front of the wheel and our pet toad would run after the picture for hours thinking it could catch the picture. I put a mirror in its cage and the silly thing would kiss itself in the mirror for hours. Finally, I ended up releasing my toad into the wild when I returned to earth. I guess he works as a Chief Executive Officer for some insurance company. I knew he was not very bright.

In terms of my former husband I received a Xmas card from him a last year. ER could not write his name or count only up to six. He signed his card ER 1,2,3,4,5,6. I’m not sure why he contacted me after several years had passed since our divorce. I hope he doesn’t think I will take him back. He made his nest so he can lie in it.

Well, I'm out of this dump. It's getting late and I have some clubs to hit tonight. Although you hairy toads are not very smart or clean, you are really good dancers.

RP10062021

THE USS KALAMAZOO: WWII SPACE/TIME EXPERIMENTS ON LAKE HURON

In Bay City Michigan there is a tavern called the Break Wind Marina Bar and Grill. This is the place where old timers meet who have various stages of kidney and liver disease. One of these jaundiced old men tells a tale that caused us to open up an investigation into a government cover-up. This is a tale of scientific fact told like fiction. It is a tale of space/time travel not in days or weeks but, in a wink of an eye. A tale of super science not from the 21st century but, from 1944. A tale of how America, on the cusp of defeat, was able to change it’s destiny through a desperate attempt to overcome the laws of God and nature.

My brother Ted and I had traveled to Bay City from our base in Northern Michigan. I would have brought along my brother Mike but, he was still in the hospital after picking and eating some mushrooms he found in the woods. We were there to get the story of the USS Kalamazoo from the last survivor from that ship. We had found on an Internet site that the Kalamazoo was rigged up like the USS Philadelphia, with all kinds of technology for some type of space/time experiment during World War II. The Philadelphia, which was launched in the Atlantic ocean, was apparently unsuccessful at achieving it’s goals however, the USS Kalamazoo, which was launched from Saginaw Bay just off of Lake Huron well, it has been suggested that the later ship was successful in it’s mission and in fact, brought an end to World War II.

The old timer we interviewed was named Bones Spockorsky. Spockorsky was a sailor on board the USS Kalamazoo which, was Built in the old shipyard in Bay City Michigan for use as a warship during World War II. There are no official records indicating that this ship ever existed. Spockorsky has a long criminal record in the field of petty crimes. It seems he will do almost anything for money to buy a few sips of whisky. He agreed to meet with us for $12.00. He wanted $15.00 but, I used my charm to get him to go lower. I just remembered William Shatner at Priceline when I was negotiating for the exclusive rights to this story.

The gray bearded, poorly dressed old man told us the following tale:

“The Philadelphia was the first of the time travel experiments tried out by the navy. It ended badly for the crew but, they did travel in space and time. A few years later, when Hitler was getting ready to invade the U.S. the navy sent a group of us seamen back in time to stop the A-bomb from being used by the Nazis in Europe. You see, in the other time line the Germans won the war.

So we went back in time and ended up just off the coast of Normandy. We were looking for a German ship called Poor Judgement. No wait, Poor Judgement was the pony I bet on last week that lost. No wait, poor judgement was what I had when I married my first wife. No wait, the name of the Nazi boat was Judgement Day. Well anyway, we found the ship, sunk it and the time lines became what they are right now.”

The mans story sounded fantastic but, he evidently had no proof to back up his claims. However, based upon my own knowledge of space/time manipulation and travel, I’d say his mind certainly grasped the rudimentary parts of time travel. I’d like to be a time traveler myself one day so, I’ll have to give this story a thumbs up. It is clearly evident that Mr. Bones Spockorsky was telling the truth.

TIME TRAVEL FOR FUN AND PROFIT

I recently received a strange note. The note said that I was to meet myself at the Dung Beetle Inn. The note went on to say that the person I was meeting was from the near future and that I (the future guy) had a very important message that could make me (us) a lot of money.

I of course was very intrigued about making a lot of money. Money is hard to come by unless you have a good job. I used to have a good job picking up change in front of drive-up windows early in the morning. The problem is I couldn’t get up that early so I had to quit. I did train one of my cousins to take over the business so I still got half the change but, when the kid turned ten he figured he‘d just keep all the change for himself. I had him sign a franchise agreement and I expect him to show up in court.

Before I went to see myself I looked up on the internet to find out what would happen if I touched my future self in the bar. I remember from watching a lot of sci-fi shows that something bad happens if a person from one time touches himself from another time. It seems that if I accidentally touched my future self in the bar I would destroy the entire universe and every being that has ever or will ever be born anywhere in the universe would simply cease to exist. It seems that the same matter cannot exist at the same place in the same time. The possibility that I might touch my future self, killing every life force in the totality of time and space might seem like a good reason to not go to the bar and have a meeting with my future self. However, the possibility of making some money greatly outweighed my concerns for everyone else. I was sure my future self must have come to the same conclusion.

When I walked into the bar I immediately recognized myself. I was a little ticked off because my future self was wearing one of my best shirts and there was a large ketchup stain on the front of it. It seems I will become a slob in the future. My future self must have forgot the physics lessons I learned while watching sci-fi shows because upon seeing me my future self stood up and extended his hand like he was going to shake mine. “We can’t touch each other,” I admonished my future self. “If we shake hands and touch each other the entire universe will cease to exist.”

“Oh that’s right,” my future self replied. “I am just so excited about this money making opportunity I have to share with you that I forgot what we learned about sci-fi physics. You’re looking well by the way.”

“You look like you’ve put on a few pounds while ruining my favorite shirt,” I responded.

“Don’t worry,” my future self began, “I will make us a lot of money in the near future. We will soon be the richest men or I mean man, on earth. For we are poised on the precipice to become the worlds first trillionaire.”

“Just how is that going to happen?” I asked. I was thinking that maybe we would threaten to shake hands and blackmail all the sentient beings in the universe into making us the emperor of the universe. I would not mind being emperor of the universe. I’ve got a lot of people I want to get even with; starting with that cousin of mine that won’t give me my share of the money he picks up at the drive-in windows.

“I know what you’re thinking because I thought it too when I was you,” my future self said while interrupting a very pleasant daydream I was having. “No we are not going to blackmail anyone. In fact what we are going to do is not going to break any laws. At least no laws that have been passed yet. You see what we are going to do relate to the coming of the year 2025. You see everyone in the world will become so paranoid in 2024 about the coming of the year 2025 that in the year 2025 all the governments of the world will start to fall apart and in order to keep order a one world government will be formed and do you know what a one world government will have?”

“Free Superbowl tickets for the rulers?” I guessed.

“Of course,” my future self affirmed, “however, the most important thing a government has is money and in the future the new world government will be issuing a new coin of the new realm you might say. It is a gold colored (actually made of plastic) dollar that many call the doom dollar since it is the only legal form of currency being used when most people believe the appocolypse is near. Of course these doom dollars will not be minted until the end of the year 2025 and people will give up anything just to get their hands on one. I have been to the future and the doom dollar is king in the future. So, what am I proposing? I am proposing going into the future and sending back to you a whole lot of these valuable doom dollars dated 2025. You see that if the doom dollar is valuable in the year 2025 just think of what people will pay now whent they don’t exist, just to have one. Think what rich people would pay for several doom dollars.”

Well, our meeting ended and I am still waiting for the doom dollars to arrive. They are supposed to be coming via UPPP (United Past and Present Parcels). I did have a 1974 Matador show up in front of the building with a note on the winshield that said the car belonged to me. My brother Ted told me that he thought it was the same 1974 Matador he investigated a while back. It seems some strange character claimed that a 1974 Matador was taken into outer space and transformed into some type of time machine. It is a silly looking car. It seems the inside is a lot smaller than it looks from the outside. It does not appear to have any advanced alien technology. Even with its eight cylander engine I do not believe that this car will be the envy of Dr. Who and the Time Lords.

INVASION OF THE TENT WORMS FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Collin

Day 1
The Attacks
This is the year of the great invasion of tent worm caterpillars. They are several times more numerous than previous years and, seem to be devouring everything that their mouths come into contact with. Several half eaten cattle, deer and, buffalo have been found near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in Northern Michigan. The dunes themselves have very little vegetation left on them. We investigators who are in the know, know this area to be known as AREA 91. In other words, this is like the outer space stuff that goes on at Area 51 except, you can tell by the bigger number that stuff that goes on at Area 91 is far bigger.

After poring over countless government files at the local tax assessors office, we have concluded that area 91 had a crash landing of a craft from outer space about 65 million years ago. This was of course at the time the dinosaurs died out and became extinct. We of course, by using multiple regression analysis came to the conclusion that the crash of the space ship caused the dinosaurs to die out. But, how did the crash affect the dinosaurs and what does that have to do with tent worms? The more we investigate this puzzle it seems the more pieces don’t fit like they should. It was evident that, we will have to force the pieces of this puzzle to fit together so that everything would come out just as we imagined it would. We were desperate researchers trying to stop the carnage of plants and animals by these extra terrestrial tent worms.

In order to fight the menace we at Outer Space News Nuts decided to break into three teams. The twins Laurie and Carrie, would check out the country side to find out the status of the alien invasion. My brothers Tim and Mike will go to area 91 itself and sniff sound on the sand dunes. I and Gerard, the guy that raises rats in his basement, have chosen to stay out of the front line of fire and will instead interview whoever we think can shed some light on this invasion force. Perhaps, we will stop them yet.

Day 2
The Reports Are In And It Is Not Good!!!
Tim and Mike were the first ones to make a report today. They went exploring at the Sand Dunes. They did not find the secret portal that opens up to the secret pentagon black box military base that lies beneath the dunes however, Tim and Mike did find vast swaths of vegetation missing from the sand. Along long areas of beach, there were wide areas between the water and where the vegetation started. It seems the evil beasties have carved large swaths along our Northern Beaches leaving nothing but sand behind them. It seems, these tent worms must eat organic life forms and leave silicon (sand) behind as their excrement. This is important information but, we don’t know what is so important about it? This is just one more piece of that puzzle that we are going to cram into a spot where we think it should go.

The twins reported back today that they indeed found vast areas of fruit trees where the leaves were completely eaten from the trees. A couple of leaves were found with bite imprints on them and these bite marks were immediately sent to our dentist for analysis. It seems our space aliens are not so perfect after all. Our dentist said the bite marks indicated a distinct over bite which accounts for the hideous appearance of the creature when you look directly into his face. Our Dentist also stated that judging by all the plaque left in the bite marks that our extraterrestrial friends do not brush and floss after every meal. Perhaps their poor oral hygiene might cause them to loose their teeth prematurely from periodontal disease. This is the first good news we’ve had since this crisis began.

Gerard and I played Foosball all day and drank beer. Tonight we went to the bar to play pool and watch the Tigers play (they won by the way and I‘m up another five bucks). I also won us a pitcher of beer playing pool and I won another pitcher of beer in a darts tournament. I feel so relaxed right now I almost don’t care about those creepy crawly things that eat up everything. My strategy to unwind has worked.

Day 3
The relaxation strategy that Gerard and I employed yesterday was a way for us to try to keep our heads clear during this crisis. Drinking beer all day and all night has given us the clarity of mind we need to find out how to stop these many footed creatures that live only to devour our flesh and blood and suck the chlorophyll out of our mobility challenged plant brothers. Yesterday, my brothers ( real brothers not plant brothers) and the twins, went out to gather information on the damage the space and/or time traveling tent worms have caused. Today it's Gerard and my turn at bat. We have lined up an expert to interview. This interview is so good that I’m sure we will prevail in saving the world from the tent worms. The consequences of our failure is unacceptable. On to the interview.

2 Hours Later
Gerard called in sick today. It seems he must have caught the flu at the bar last night. Or maybe he can’t face me today because I was winning all the sports contests last night. Because of my athletic abilities last night, I remember being the most popular guy at the bar. I was a lot more popular than Gerard was that's for sure. I’m also a lot better looking than Gerard. Just being around him gives most people the creeps, especially the ladies. I know I’m feeling much less creepy today without him around and I kind of like the guy.

Even without Gerard I will go ahead with my interview with our special secret scientist guest, Dr. Leon Notallthere. Dr. Notallthere was the first person to be barred from flying on airplanes. He was not just barred from domestic flights but, he has been banned from getting on any aircraft anywhere in the world. He can’t even pay to go up in a hot air balloon. It seems Dr. Notallthere was in a tussle with the pilot of an aircraft back in the 1950’s. The two men hadn’t even boarded the plane yet when they got in smack down match over a parking space at the airport.

Although the doctor has had his problems at airports, many admire him for his ability to stand up to authority figures and insist that things are done right. In addition, Doctor Notallthere is considered an expert in his field by several locals.

“Doctor Notallthere, I understand you are an expert in the field of extraterrestrial tent worms.”

“First of all,” interrupted Notallthere, “ I am an expert but not in extraterrestrial tent worms. Secondly, I am not a doctor. I never received a PhD. I have a masters degree.”

“In science?” I asked.

“No, replied Notallthere,” I have a masters degree in international fly fishing though the Calgary International Fly Fishing Institute in Calgary Canada.”

“You attended school in Canada?” I asked.

“No, I’ve never been to Canada. I received my degree on line. It costs me $397.00 (Canadian) and nearly six weeks of my life.”

“So, when I talked to you on the phone and explained our situation you said you could be of great service to us in saving the earth from tent worms. What did you mean?”

“I meant if you would reimburse my $397.00 (Canadian) tuition from fly fishing college, I will tell you how to kill these creatures. I‘m a fisherman. I know all about all types of worms. Even caterpillars. I know all about anything you can stick on a fish hook for bait.”

Since I was desperate, I agreed to his terms with one change, instead of paying him $397.00 in Canadian currency I would pay him an even $400.00 in good old American made $5.00 off coupons at the pizza place across the street. Mr. Notallthere thanked me for giving him the coupons since he wasn’t sure how he would spend the Canadian money and $5.00 off pizza coupons is like money in the bank.

Day 4
We Strike Back
It seems the answer to our problem of how to defeat the evil outer space killer tent worms was no further away than the big goobers we all produce within our mouths and then try to find a place to spit them out. It seems these particular creatures die immediately when hit by high speed mouth mucus. In other words, we destroyed the tent worm army by spitting on them. My brother Mike wanted to eat the little fur balls but, Mr. Notallthere said the creatures were deadly poisonous and that consuming them was unnecessary. It seems lambasting the worms with spit was all it took to cause the fearsome creatures to wrap themselves up in a ball and simply wither away like Count Dracula when he is hit by sun light.

We were able to mobilize everyone in Nothern Michigan to start spitting at anything that moves. There was no motivation needed to get Michiganders to spit because, we spit all the time anyway. I guess the cold weather gives us lots of sinus action and who wants to swallow that stuff.

By the end of day four, no more outer space invading tent worms were left on our planet. Humanity prevailed. The plant and animal deaths caused by the visitors has ceased. All is well yet, there are so many unanswered questions regarding these creatures. For instance, we still do not know exactly how or why they chose to come to earth. We also do not know the location of the entrance to area 91. However, we will continue searching for an opening into the secret government base beneath the sand dunes knowing one day we will uncover it’s secrets.

I can’t help wondering that if the dinosaurs had figured out that they could wipe out the tent worm infection by just spitting on the worms. Perhaps if they had,the mighty dinosaurs would be with us today.

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM EARTH

Artist Concept of a Great Leap

By Tim Colin

Editor, HNN Online Publications

This is breaking news.   It is being reported today in the early morning hours that the International Space Station has formally declared that it is an independent nation and will sever all ties with the planet earth.  This reporter has come by this exclusive story via a private written communication.   I came by this communication while reading private written communications on the back door of the second stall in Braden's Bar located in downtown Boyne City.  This story was buried within many local gossip stories and quips about the personal hygiene and dating habits of certain local individuals.   

I can vouch for this being a new news story since the doors on the bathroom stalls at Braden's Bar get freshly painted over every Thursday.  Bar Management says the fresh coat of paint each week is intended to make room for up to date news reports and not to eliminate complaints from patrons who may not want their personal information shared with the public.    Bar management tells me that "Freedom of the Press" is sacrosanct and the back of the stall door is where most local residents get most of their press news.  Of course yours truly checks out the stalls every Monday morning and I edit out with a black marker any unflattering lies and insinuations about yours truly.   Unfortunately, most of the misinformation about yours’s truly is in the women's bathroom and I have to sneak in there or else I'll receive a reprimand from bar management if I get caught.

In regards to the ISS declaring its independence from earth, I have found few if any other references to their mutiny so I'll just have to say that this sudden action by the ISS is most likely the result of an alien influence.  This influence or more likely takeover has probably been carried out by either Martians or by an intelligent species that inhabits the moon known as "The Great Leap."  These two species are the closest known intelligent inhabitants to the planet earth and therefor have the most to gain from its conquest.   However, I do not believe that hostile takeover has been orchestrated by Martians since they are too addicted to tobacco products to ever accomplish much of anything.  It is said they just muck around all day on Mars smoking cigarettes and playing tetherball.  

Now, the creatures on the moon known as "The Great Leap" are much more likely to be the instigators of the ISS plot against earth.  The Great Leap might feel a need to get revenge against earth since a few years ago the U.S. launched nuclear strikes against Great Leap subterranean cities on the moon in the hope of destroying the Great Leap's ability to wage war upon the earth.  Well, with this latest news from the International Space Station it looks as though the attempts to thwart an invasion of earth by The Great Leap has only spurred them on to seek revenge. 

So, what should you do to prepare for the looming invasion by The Great Leap?  Well, the first thing you should do is prepare for war by purchasing lots of guns and ammunition along with dry goods that can be easily stored for decades. 

The second thing you should do is to run and hide.  Of course I understand that running and hiding may not be the brave thing to do but, take it from me, it is the survivalist’s thing to do.  After all, mice and rats have been running and hiding for tens of millions of years and look how it's worked out for them:  they're still surviving and everyone screams when they see the mice and rats go scampering off into walls.  Mice and rats have truly made it to the upper rung of the evolutionary ladder because few other creatures can create such terror simply by running away.    

Now, the third thing you should do when the Great Leap invade is to hug you spouse and kids and tell them goodbye for the great leap are coming to kill them and probably will eat them alive. 

Lastly, you should position your family members in front of you because you don't want them to watch you being torn apart by The Great Leap.  Also, while you family is being killed and devoured by the moon monsters you might get a chance to slip away.   After all, you can always get a new spouse and kids but, you can't replace yourself if you're dead.

For my part, I’m getting the word out about the ensuing invasion by the Great Leap by first publishing it on the internet.   Of course after it has been read by about five people this story will undoubtedly be censured by all the governments and internet search engines of the world for having offensive content.  Space aliens seem to have a lot of influence over what gets published and read on the internet. 

In addition to my online trumpeting of the ensuing invasion I will be busy visiting bathrooms in all the bars and restaurants I can get to in order to place the news directly in the public's eye and where most people get the really important news.  And, this important story certainly deserves to be told there.  

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Norther Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however, I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these naysayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

LIZARD BOY, A REAL MICHIGAN MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sitings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

MOON SPY MAKES IT TO EARTH UNDERCOVER OF SATLLITE CRASH LANDING

By Tim Colin
According to my sources at the National Anti-Space Alien Magazine (NASAM), the number one moon spy for the U.S. government has safely returned to earth under the cover story that a large bus sized communications satellite crashed in Macelona Michigan. The cover story had to be generated so that the people of the United States in particular would not know that the U.S. has been conducting a sometimes hot war with the people of the moon. These people (creatures) call themselves the Leap. HNN publications have been covering the war from time to time whenever some secret data on the war has been uncovered.

When our first moon invader took his first step upon the moon he described the Leap in a messaged that was intentionally garbled by the government so that it sounded like “One small step for a man. One giant leap for mankind.” In actuality the message was “One Small Leap could eat a man. One Giant Leap could eat all of mankind.” The former astronaut was of course describing our “First Contact” with the creatures that inhabit the moon. The creatures are of two types one being the Small Leap who does all the jobs no one wants to do like cleaning the bathrooms and cooking the meals. The Giant Leap are the rulers of this fascist world and do not want their world contaminated with garbage from the planet earth. Of course when our astronauts left the moon they left behind a lot of non-biodegradable candy wrappers and tin foil from the lunar cookouts and parties the astronaugghts had. Of course there were beer cans and bottles left all over the place because there was no place to return them and get a bottle refund. Well, you might be guessing right about now the moon men were most unhappy with the conduct of humans upon their pristine planet. Of course the moon monsters were very polite so they did not say anything until several more astronauts from earth pretty much partied and trashed the entire surface of the planet. So, after Apollo 17 left the moon the Leap sent a message to Earth saying that there were to be no more visitors from Earth on their planet. Well, of course we sent up Apollo 18 and we all know what happened then. NASA had to send up Apollo 19 just to clean up the mess and of course recover the film for the movie.

Since then, we have been at war with the Leap culminating in President Obama ordering a nuclear strike upon the lunar poles which is where most of the water is at and also the place where the Leap have all their major underground cities. The cover story for the attack was that the United States was nuking the moon to see if there would be any detectable water molecules flying up from the surface.

Now our little spy, a member of the Small Leap species, has had his cover exposed so he had to seek asylum on Earth. Evidently, this Small Leap was not only our spy but he was also a member of the Little Leap Resistance fighters. The LLRF are evidently fighting for an independent nation which is free from the domination of the Great Leap. All this year the Small Leap have been protesting for their freedom. Some have been calling it the “Little Leap Year” much like some called this the year of “The Arab Spring”.

The information the Small Leap has given to our government has been very important in our ongoing war efforts on the moon. This particular Leap spy had a job as a men’s room attendant. Now it is traditional on the moon for wealthy and powerful leap to want their urinals cleaned by lowly attendants while the urinal is in use. It seems the Leap are very much into keeping their porcelain fixtures very clean. Of course for our spy this allowed him to get up close and personal to all the important Leap on his planet and while cleaning urinals that were being used one day he overheard two VIP government officials discussing various places they’d like to go eat at on Earth once of course the moon creatures had defeated our military forces. It seems the moon creatures have a real penchant for Philly cheese steak but, they also love Chicago style deep dish pizza so one or both of these cities could be the starting point for a full scale invasion of the planet Earth. Our publications will continue to cover this story as more information becomes available.

THE ALIEN MIND BENDERS

THE BIZARRE TALE OF PROFESSOR IRENE EMMA CRACKPOTTER

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Online Magazine
This is the most bizarre case ever investigated at the Humor News Space Aliens Nuts organization. It all began one day as I was drinking my lunch at the Big Liver Lounge. The Big Liver is a place on the outskirts of Traverse City where people go when they are really depressed and want to consume lots of spirits all alone. The place is dimly lit with only two lights. One is over the bar and the other is in the hallway so that you can read the gender signs on the bathrooms. I figure the place must be clean because it always smells like Lysol.

I was sitting alone at the bar when this hot looking sophisticated lady comes rushing into the place and orders up a pitcher of ice beer and she didn’t care what brand. The bartender said that they only served pitchers to two or more people so the lady moved over to the stool beside of mine and said “I’m with this guy”.

The bartender poured a frothy pitcher of beer and set it down in front of us along with two frosted mugs he pulled out of the freezer under the bar. I thought my luck had changed. A girl sat down beside of me and bought me a drink and I had never met her before. I reached my hand out to shake hers and said “Hi, my name is Tim Colin and you are…?”

“Cool it Colin dude” She said. “You can have a beer but I can’t talk right now after what I’ve just been through.”

I began to think that there was something about me that really turned her off. I thought I had used deodorant that day but, I couldn’t remember if I had brushed my teeth. I hadn’t planned on doing any socializing at the Big Liver or else I would have taken a shower and trimmed my nose hairs. I know they must be pretty long. I haven’t trimmed them in over two weeks. I decided to advance my relationship with the girl by asking her again for her name. “I’m a reporter,” I began. “You can tell me your name and your story. I am a very good listener.”

She looked at me for a moment and then began her story. “I am Professor Irene Emma Crackpotter. I am professor of Space Alien Psychic Hypnosis at Delta Community College down near Saginaw. There we have a two year degree program in Space Alien Psychic Studies which culminates with a very aggressive placement program. Many of my former students have ended up working at very prestigious organizations like McDonalds, Burger King and even The Department of Homeland Security in the airline baggage division. I suppose you are wondering why a sophisticated and educated woman like me is hiding out in this bar that’s full of unemployed alcoholic loser creeps?”

“Yes Professor, I would like to hear your story” I told her. Something told me that this woman was way out of my league. She was well educated and sophisticated. Most women I know smell like a combination of cigarettes and hair spray. This lady smelled a smell I had seldom known before. She smelled clean.

“Well, Colin dude, I am on the run from a group of space aliens in the Upper Peninsula known as “The Mind Benders”. These creatures are putting up an array of antennas which will control the minds of humans all over North America. They are literally sending out psychic brain signals via their antennas which can bend the human mind into thinking evil things to do which will assist the Mind Benders during their conquest of Earth in the year 2012.”

I had finished off most of the pitcher of beer and I was having trouble getting my lips and tongue coordinated to form any intelligible words so instead of dragging out the conversation by questioning the soundness of the lady’s’ assertions, I simply asked “What can I do to help?” I thought I formed the words without letting her know I was intoxicated and was having trouble speaking. I did not want her to get the wrong impression of me on what I considered to be our first date.

“Let’s go,” she said, “We need to get to the U.P. and shut the antenna array down.” She dropped down off her bar stool (she was kind of on the short side). I followed as quickly as I could but I had to climb up off the floor first because something tripped me when I stood up from the bar stool.

The professor had a yellow Volkswagen Bug which was hard for me fall asleep in. The professor drove all the way up to the U.P. and had arrived at our destination before I had waked up. I felt her punching me in the shoulder when I finally awoke. “Wake up! We’re here,” she said.

I apologized for sleeping all the way up. I told her the fresh country air must have made me really tired. She got out of the car while I struggled out of the car and fell on the ground. I got up on my feet and saw that we were near an old light house. She told me we were at Dead Fish Bay and the lighthouse was on a peninsula called Drowning Sailor Point.

As we approached the lighthouse we were suddenly approached by a white bearded old man. I was not too troubled by him until I noticed he had a shot gun. “What are you people doing here?” He asked.

The professor leaned over to me and said “I think that this guy is one of them. Be careful not to give our objective away,” she warned.

I responded to her by saying “No problem”. I then turned to the man with the gun and asked him what he was doing.

“Well I’m moose hunting,” the old man replied. “This is state land and I have a permit to hunt moose this year. I haven’t seen any though. I thought I saw some tracks out there in the water. Moose like water. Well, I guess I had better get back to mother. The old woman probably has supper fixed right about now. I guess we won’t be eating any moose today. Squirrel, that’s what I did shoot today. Tonight I guess I’ll have squirrel to eat. “

As the old man turned to walk away I asked him if he knew of any mind bending antennas in the area. He said he did not know of any antennas except for the one on top of the old abandoned lighthouse. He said he did not know exactly what it was for. He had heard it was for some sort of Canadian TV broadcasting.

The professor almost ran to the old lighthouse. I had to struggle to follow her. I had a bad headache and my legs were wobbling. I had been at the Big Liver Lounge since early in the morning and the day seemed like it was awfully long. The light house door was open and it was not long until we were both at the top of the lighthouse and I found myself pulling down a small pipe that the professor told me was the main piece of mind bending technology. I dropped the pipe on the ground and we were soon both speeding off in the yellow Volkswagen. We were in fear of our lives since we knew the Mind Benders would be trying to hunt us down.

We made it back to the Big Liver lounge before it closed. The professor and I bellied up to the bar and asked for the news to be turned on. There was no one else in the bar so the bar tender had no problem turning on the TV. Not surprisingly, there was breaking news relating to a homeland security attack on a private installation. It was announced on the news that someone had toppled a Canadian home shopping channel relay station located at Dead Fish Bay Michigan. The relay station was broadcasting to Manitowoc Canada. There were three people viewing the show when it suddenly went off the air. The Canadian Mounted Police were offering a reward for information which would lead to finding and fining the scoundrels that took down the station. The reward consisted of a $5.00 (Canadian) coupon for hot coffee at Tim Horton’s Restaurants.

After the news broadcast the professor turned to me and asked “Well, do you know what this means?”

“Yes I do,” I responded. “This means that while we were on a wild goose chase taking down that pipe the Mind Benders were tearing down the relay antenna for the Canadian home shopping show.”

I never heard from the professor again. In fact, when I tried to contact her at Delta College I was told that there was not a Professor I. Emma Crackpotter on staff. So there you have it. The professor was evidently a deep cover agent. She walked into my life with a pitcher of beer and now she was gone. I decided I would have to spend a lot more time at the Big Liver Lounge just in case she should ever return. Everyday for the rest of my life I will look to the door hoping she will walk back into my life and share with me her pitcher of beer.

HIGH TECH DEVICE WILL SAVE AGRICULTURE WORLD WIDE

By Tim Colin
Today I interviewed Dr. Rainwater, professor of industrial and manufacturing arts at Rig A Ma Roll University Online. Dr. Rainwater has developed over the last thirty years a brand new device which will monitor climate change worldwide. Last year Dr. Rainwater won the Nobel Peace Prize in Climatology for the invention of his device which should help farmers’ world wide. The United States Department of Agriculture has ordered 10 million devices at a cost of $7,000 each.

I met Dr. Rainwater at The Skuzz Town bar which is located just east of Skuzz Town Michigan. Skuzz Town is a small Michigan community located on a dirt road that has a sign which says “Seasonal Road” as you turn onto it just off M911. The town itself is made up of a bar, a hardware store and, several rental cabins.

Dr. Rainwater was a rather grizzly fellow with a long gray beard and long gray hair with streaks of black in it. Dr. Rainwater evidently is a collector of antique clothing since the wide lapelled leisure suit and dingy white turtle neck sweater he wore were made about fifteen years before I was born. His high heeled shoes and candy striped bell bottoms told me the good doctor was a bit anachronistic (I always wanted to use the word “anachronistic”).

I asked Dr. Rainwater if he would mind showing me the device he had invented to monitor the weather. “No problem,” he replied as he pulled out an old metal coffee can out from a shopping bag that lay on the bar stool next to his. “This is it,” he said as he pounded it down in front of me. “It is environmentally friendly since it is made out of something that usually ends up in landfills and it works really well at measuring rainfall. Take a look inside and you’ll see where I’ve marked off the inches all up and down the can. The only thing I haven’t perfected is that every time it rains the numbers in the can kind of wash off. I’m experimenting with some different paints and inks to see if I can find one that won’t wash off when it rains. Once I do, my invention will be nearly perfect. It’s just too bad I have not found a clear coffee can so that I can mark the numbers off on the outside instead of the inside. I initially tried to put the numbers on the outside of the can but, you just can see through the metal just how much water there is inside.”

I tried to guzzle down the beer I had in front of me but, it stuck to the table so bad that there was no way I could lift it to my mouth. I finally had to ask the bartender for a straw. I didn’t want to spoil the good doctor’s enthusiasm but, I thought that I had seen a device already similar to the one he had invented. I believe it was called a rain gauge.

Doctor Rainwater went on to tell me that his invention was also being patented as a medical device. It seems not only could the device measure the amount of rainwater that had fallen but, it could help in diagnosing human drainage problems like an enlarged prostrate. Dr Rainwater also said that the device might have military applications. The doctor theorized his invention could be used to measure the fall out of radioactive debris after a thermonuclear war.

THE END

REPORT: RAT CODE NAME SHIVA STATIONED ON THE PLANET EARTH

I hate being here on Earth again.  It is such a stinky planet and we rats are not use to such disgusting smells on my home world.  And, what I really hate is that everywhere you step you get human excrement all over your feet.  It seems that all humans do is mate, eat and drop massive amounts of excrement all over the planet.   I don’t understand why humans can’t learn how to use a toilet or at least bury their defecation's like all other creatures in the multi-verse.  In short, humans are the stupidest, dirtiest, stickiest creatures I have ever encountered anywhere and what’s more, humans leave behind them such massive piles of excrement that even the giant lizards of the Jurassic times could never dream of leaving such squishy piles behind themselves.

I am now requesting in this report that Central Command send some anti-bacterial cream that I can use on my feet to get rid of the nasty fungus that I have developed because of having to walk through so much human excrement.  For if Central Command wants me to stay here on Earth and aid in the liberation of our brethren rats from the dominate species called humans then, I really need to stop the all night itching on my feet that is caused by my having to walk through human excrement all day.  Their bacteria laden feces has made this the most horrible interplanetary assignment I have ever had over the last thousand years that I have been in government service.

There is of course one creature here on earth that could be a real recreational boon back on the home world.  That creature is the elephant.  Just the other day I observed some of our distant cousins on earth called "mice" running up into an elephant's trunk and that made the elephant creature fling his trunk wildly around through the air.  Well, when he was done thrashing about the little mice ran out of his truck laughing hysterically evidently, because of the wild ride they had just taken.  So, I myself ran up into the elephant's trunk and sure enough the ride was fantastic.  After I ran out of the trunk I decided then and there that I had to get one for the kids back home.  They will be surprised at the great ride dear old dad is sending them though the worm hole.  I just hope that my rat brethren can be soon liberated from the forces of evil, namely humans then, I'll be able to return home and be with my family once again.

  RAT EARTH COMMANDER CODE NAME SHIVA  

RANSOM IN SPACE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE HUBBLE REPAIR MISSION

This is shocking news just in. It has been exclusively learned by this publication that, the Hubble Telescope repair mission was just a front for the payment of ransom for a famous celebrity. This information comes to us via our inside the government informant known only by the code name "Little Dipper". Little Dipper (LD) told our correspondent that the space shuttle took up with it a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold. Why would the government need to send up a whopping 1 billion dollars in gold to repair a space telescope? The answer will shock you.

According to LD the gold was to be used to pay off some space aliens who have been holding hostage a major Hollywood celebrity. LD was not sure who this mystery celebrity was but, though our vast computing resources and methods of reasoning here at "Humor News Outer Space Nuts", we have come up with the identity of the celebrity and it will shock you when we tell you who it is in the next paragraph or so.

In order to get the computing power we needed to deduce the name of the celebrity being held hostage by space aliens in outer space, we had to use, as noted above, all of our computing resources. We hooked up our Dell, Mac and HP computers.Finally we added our most powerful predictive computer device the Atari 64 (loaded with the original Space Invaders game that came with it).

After 48 hours of constant computing and game play, our answer was at hand. It seems that only one celebrity could be currently held by space aliens who would be worth a billion dollars. That would be Bruce Willis. Think about it. Mr. Willis has not been seen in any movies lately therefor, it has to be him. He wasn't in the recent Star Trek movie, Terminator movie or, X-Men. All other major celebrities are accounted for by our computers and, they all appeared in one of the aforementioned movies that we at this publication, would go to see. Movies are not real entertainment without aliens and monsters in them. All other films are just some sort of educational flick. Watching a non-monster/alien movie is like watching a movie about "how to brush your teeth". Tooth brushing movies are sickening to watch besides, why take the time to brush when you can polish at least your front teeth, on you T-shirt while watching TV. As far as the back teeth are concerned, who sees your back teeth anyway?

The only question now is whether the ransom was being paid to bring Bruce Willis back or, to keep him in outer space? What sinister plot could someone in the government be hatching if the aliens are being paid to keep a famous actor like Bruce Willis in space? Here is a man that can not only act but, can speak in coherent sentences without another human being directing him. We will keep you informed.

LORD OF THE UNDERWEAR FLIES

The Department of Homeland Security now imposes a mandatory intense search of everyone’s groin area before they are allowed upon an airplane. Unfortunately, most passengers do not enjoy such intrusive and embarrassing touching. Many passengers feel that Homeland Security personnel and management need to learn the difference between good touching and bad touching. I believe there is a film series put out for K-6 students that might be used as part of the training for our Homeland professionals.

Because of the complaints about the current “we’ll touch you but don’t tell” Homeland Security policy I decided if there were any businesses that could come up with an alternative way to detect underwear bombs. I began my search by Yahooing the internet for underwear security firms. I almost immediately came up with a company that had a very advanced prototype of underwear bomb detecting service. According to this companies web page it seems that NASA had hired this particular company to develop a method for detecting space aliens at NASA research stations in Antarctica. It seems that Danish scientists are routinely blasting out of the ice a type of space alien that can change into any living form, including humans. It seems that the one way to tell who is human and who one of those things is is to check out the smell of an individual’s underwear. Humans have stinky underwear but a thing has sweet salad flavored underwear. The flavorful smell can best be described as that of very high quality cannabis. So pretty much anyone who has underwear smelling like cannabis is an evil alien space invader.

The company that developed this new method of finding changeling space invaders is called Hempunder. The method is very simple. It seems that flies are attracted to dirty underwear. When someone walks around with dirty underwear on it is like ringing a loud dinner bell for most species of flies. Well Hempunder developed a mutated form of fly that can smell hemp. If your underwear has ever had any hemp in it these flies will swarm your crotch like it was a discount retailer on Black Friday (biggest shopping day of the year).

Not only can Hempunder detect space aliens through it’s crotch sniffing flies but, these same flies can be trained to find any bombs let loose in underwear both in the back and the front. So, it seems there is an alternative to allowing to such intrusive invasions of privates…

ALIEN FUTURE HEAD LICE ENDS MALE COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC FOREVER

I just got back from the future and I brought back a really terrible type of head lice.  It seems that in the future because of global warming there are only two species of creatures left.  One is completely hairless humans and the other is a really super strain of head lice.

The thing about this super form of head lice is that it is said they come from outer space.  It seems that an advance race of rat type creatures inadvertently brought this type of lice to earth and they quickly took over the entire planet.  In order to survive, human men became completely bald and lost even the hair on their hidden areas.  Females had to shave themselves in order to avoid the lice.  Hairy men who played country music were the first ones to be deleted from the human gnome by the lice epidemic.  In terms of genetics and the future, the alien head lice epidemic determined that when it comes to being human,  the male country singer was the weakest link.  

Of course I did not mean to bring these lice back from the future but, I happened to fall in love with a beautiful brunet in the future and she gave me head lice.   After all, I don’t want to have head lice in the future , past or present.  So, in order to get rid of head lice I went outside and rubbed my entire body on a burn barrel.  The head lice are now gone however, I spread those same lice all over town by swimming in a communal bath at the YMCA. It seems that head lice from the future are extremely good swimmers.

CELL PHONES ARE ALIEN TECH FROM OUTER SPACE

By Ted Colin
Yesterday, while I was watching Fox News I accidentally hit my remote control and turned the sound on. Generally, Fox News is best viewed as a visual arts channel with the sound turned off. I just like to sit in a chair with a can of beer and enjoy all the hot chicks on Fox News as they model in those incredibly short skirts.

Well, anyway before I could turn the sound off again one of the pretty models said that nearly 90% of the households in America had cell phones. For the rest of the day I did not think much about the fact that Americans have advanced technological devices stuck to the sides of their heads. However, after drinking beer all day I watched a pirated Doctor Who show on the internet. Before the show was over the BBC had the FBI show up at my house and they pulled the plug on my internet access citing national security concerns. The FBI also confiscated a dish of pork and beans that mom brought over citing the fact that the dish of beans and elements in it that could be used to make some very powerful explosives. I asked the FBI if the rumor was true that Bin Laden and his family were living in Detroit. They tasared me and said that I should leave that poor man and his family alone. “After all,” they said,” The Bin Laden family is the most generous secret foreign financial backers of the Chamber of Commerce and according the Supreme Court the Chamber get to decide who runs the country.” I didn’t understand anything the FBI was talking about. I just did not like being tasared while they were saying it. That taser thing was really making me loose the buzz I had so carefully nursed all day long.

Since I had no TV I decided to walk down to the bar and get really liquored up. I staggered into the bar and ordered Gunnies in a tall pilsner glass. I love the way that beer foams around after it is poured. It is just like watching a lava lamp. It is a great tasting beer with long lasting effects. When you are really wickedly, obnoxiously hammered there is nothing like a tall glass of Gunnies beer to keep you there.

After looking around the bar I saw a lot of people talking mindlessly on their cell phones. The old gray haired guy sitting next to me must have noticed my fascination with cell phones when he said, “Those cell phones are just a way for space aliens to control our minds.”

“You know I saw part of a documentary earlier today on the BBC that was about aliens controlling our minds using cell phone technology.”

“The BBC, isn’t that British television?” my bar friend mumbled.

“Yeah, it is I said. You can’t get that kind of stuff on American TV. Here everything is censored. I even had my TV plug pulled by the FBI today for watching the BBC.”

“You don’t say,” my bar friend said.

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 10TH OF NOVEBER, THE ALUMINUM FOIL TREASON AND PLOT

The Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) raided our offices again yesterday and effectively shut us down. They said they were from the zoning board but, we know the truth. It seems we have been getting too close to the truth about our governments cover up of alien encounters. Our government and its masters in outer space, deem the Humor News Nuts organization to be enemy number one. They seek to silence our point of view so that space aliens can continue to wipe out our culture, our capitalist way of life and finally, our species.

Although things look very dim for humanity, we at our great and historic publication will not go down without a fight. Since January 2009, Humor News Nuts has been exposing all sorts of government cover-up shenanigans Most of the stories we cover you will not find anywhere else in print or online. FOX, CNN, CSPAN etc., all refuse to air anything we have to say about the outer space conspiracies and the evil Men in Dark Suits who wickedly trespass across our constitutional rights. So what if we're running an internet publication on property zoned for medical marijuana sales only.

We of course cannot fight this fight alone. We are dependent upon our readers to join in combat against the space aliens and their Men in Dark Suits stooges. The first thing everyone needs to do is to buy aluminum foil and construct a helmet. Wear this helmet everywhere you go It will keep your mind free of government brain washing and it will send a chilling message to the space aliens that we humans have not all surrendered to their will. Wearing aluminum foil hats begins today, the 9th of November. Future generations of freedom lovers will one day say “Remember, Remember the 10th of November, the aluminum foil treason and plot.”

Note: In full disclosure, I’ve been buying up stock in Indian aluminum foil companies all week in anticipation of this editorial. No wonder people who write for Wall Street publications are all so rich. Buying up stock in something and then recommending it in a publication seems like a great way to get really rich. Who says everyone on Wall Street is a crook? It would be really nice if the companies you recommend also kicked in a trip to the Bahamas or some other nice place.

U.S. PAYS WAR REPARATIONS TO MOON MEN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor
Well our nation has finally capitulated to the demands for war reparations from the occupants who live beneath the lunar surface.  The twin spacecraft that entered lunar orbit last New Years Eve are not there to survey what lies beneath the moon but instead are there with valuable cargo which must be delivered to the moon creatures in order to keep them from destroying our planet.

As has been reported in the news media the United States lost the initial war with the moon creatures.  Then President Obama ordered a nuclear strike at the lunar poles in order to measure the amount of water that flew up into the atmosphere.  In fact finding water at the poles was just a cover story for what was a thermal nuclear attack which failed miserably.  It seems the moon men have perfected the art of constructing force fields that can withstand anything theta our great military can throw at it.  It seems the scientists on the moon grew  up watching star trek and remembered the secret to constructing force fields that was reviled in episode six in during the forth season of the show.

Ironically, the fourth season was never shown here on earth because the show was cancelled in the third season however, the fourth season was beamed into outer space by project Betty using microwave technology.     Project Betty was the precursor program to Project Setti,  Project Betty tried to send messages regarding how powerful but enlightened the people of this planet are.  Project Setti has since that time been waiting for someone to send a signal back to us.  Of course there is great debate amongst scientists as to whether or not we should have used the Star Trek TV show to show beings on other worlds how we earth people behave and how advanced our spaceships are both in terms of speed and military capabilities.    Some scientists believe that pretending that our civilization is as advanced as the one on Star Trek is just about like lying to the whole universe.  These naysayer think that if aliens ever do stop by the earth they might think that we are nothing but a race of lying, deceitful creatures and the space aliens might just disintegrate our whole planet just for wasting their time.

There are other scientists who believe that pretending we are more advanced than we are to the galactic community is a good thing.  They point out that there are most likely a lot of hooligan species out there roaming around the galaxy looking to plunder worlds with unsophisticated technologies.  There maybe whole planets full of pirates out there just beboping around looking for trouble.   The problem with any type of advanced techno bullies is that we really have no defenses against beings with the ability to travel across solar systems let along galaxies and maybe across the whole universe.  While we try to master the finer points of the “Rock, Paper Scissors “ game our alien friends are playing games like “Projected Plasma Disintegrator, Encrypted Tachyons, Singularity Grenade.”.  

WAR WITH THE MARS ROCK MONSTERS HAS BEGUN

Photo:  Mars. Credit:  NASA
By Tim Colin

Editor

Humor News Nuts

Well it is clear we have gone to war with the rock monsters on Mars. The laser on the Mars Curiosity Rover is clearly a weapon to destroy the Martian Rock Monsters. However, are the rock monsters on mars so evil that we should destroy them to save ourselves on the red planet, or are the rock monsters of mars simply trying to defend themselves from an alien invasion.

To get an educated opinion of our recent encounters with the rock monsters on mars, I have convinced my employer (thecollinbrandt) to pay the necessitated fines to get our scientific advisor out of prison.

Just recently our scientific advisor just got out of prison for mail fraud.  He said it was obvious to him that the Obama Administration was intent on war with the rock monsters on Mars. Professor Ima Bigliar stated to me that he had been to the planet Mars many times and that the Rock Monsters were only a menace to the alien world persons who went there to steal the universally rare and sought after Martian pubic stones. The Martian pubic stones have a very fine and hair-like feel to them which makes them universally sought after.

These hairy ball-like stones are so sought after that they of course  bid-up in price on social networks like trog-balloons and grubya. At any rate, it is likely our current laser-blasting successes on the planet mars will not bode well in the long run for humans. After all, blasting ones rocks with a laser cannot be a sign of superior intelligence.

END OF THE WORLD IN 2012

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
A lot of people are getting ready for the world to end in 2012.   One reason people believe the world ends in 2012 is because the Ancient Mayans left a calendar for us in the modern day, in which the world ends on December 21st 2012.  Of course one problem with this end of the world theory is that no one today actually speaks ancient Mayan.  Where the Mayans use to live I believe people speak Spanish so how does anyone really know what the Mayan calendar actually predicts.  So, I decided to channel the ancient Mayan high priestess to see when exactly the world would end.

Now, the name of the high priestess of the Mayans is Charlene.  Her father who had been the high priest before her wanted a boy and had picked out the name Charlie for him.  Well, his child was a girl so Charlene was the name she got which is similar to Charlie.  She did tell me that everyone called her Charlie as her nickname.

“So Charlie, when is the world going to end?” I asked.

“Well you see Madam Misty,” she began, “The world is not going to end in 2012 as most people believe.  These modern eggheads at your universities have completely read the undo of the world date wrong.”

Charlie stopped for a moment and took a sip of the Mogen David wine I had given her.  I always offer visiting spooks Mogen David wine because after being dead they really appreciate a nice sweet wine that goes down easy.  After all, the dead are used to sucking down dirt which is really bitter so a sweet wine  gives them pleasure and makes them feel like they are still alive and of course the alcohol makes them talkative.  “In fact Madam Misty the professors at your universities have misread the date we have ensconced in stone as the day the world ends.  Your brainy people have interpreted the Mayan calendar to set the date of the end of the world as December 21, 2012.  In fact, the world ends on October 12, 2021.  It seems that smart people in your time suffer from the disease our doctors use to call dyslexia.”

“That’s very interesting,” I replied. “But, What causes the end of the world?” I asked.

“The end of the world is really sad, Madam Misty.  You see in the state of Michigan there will be this pig farmer named Johansen.  Now it seems that Johansen has always entered the pig contest at the fair every single year since he was a little boy.  Of course he never got the blue ribbon for having the biggest pig at the fair.  Well, by 2021 Johansen will have a boy of his own who is entering a pig at the fair in the pig with the most weight category.  Now Johansen is determined that his son should win the blue ribbon so he devises a scheme to make the boy’s pig become really huge. You see Johansen knows that only a third of what a pig eats turns into pork and the rest of the food goes out the back end.  So Johansen decides to cork the back end of the pig up really tight so that everything the pig eats goes into weighing up the pig for the fair.  Johansen then has truckloads of baked goods that bakeries and stores have thrown out trucked into his pig farm.  The pig then began to eat.   Well, over the course of months the pig gets bigger and, bigger and, bigger until he is as big as the state of Michigan.  Now Johansen figures his son is surely going to take home the blue ribbon and might even set a record for the being the worlds largest pig.  So Johansen sets about having trainloads of discarded backed goods hauled into his pig farm.  Then his pig got bigger and, bigger and bigger until the pig was as huge as all of Canada but still, Johansen wanted to make sure his son would win the blue ribbon so he contracted for giant containerships to deliver vast quantities of discarded backed goods from every bakery and store in the entire world.  Of course the pig then got bigger and bigger, and bigger until it was as big as all of North America.”

“So Johansen’s son must of won the blue ribbon at the state fair,” I said thinking that the story seemed to have a happy ending.  “He must have been quite the happy boy.  I bet his father was really proud as well.”

“Actually no, the boy did not win the state fair and no one knows what Johansson’s last thoughts were,” Charlie continued.  “For you see before the judges at the fair could check out the final weight of the Johansen mega pig there was an incident.  It seems that someone little 2 year old girl named Sandy was playing down in Tijuana which is where the backend of the monstrous pig was situated and little Sandy decided she would give a little tug on the cork.  Of course the cork had so much pressure behind it that just a slight tug was all it took for the pig to really open up.  Well, I don’t think I need to paint you a picture of the aftermath.  Needless to say the entire earth became uninhabitable for millions of years.  Every single species of beast and flora became extinct all over the earth.  Of course after millions of years the earth was colonized by alien farmers who found that this planet had the richest soil in the universe.”

“Oh that poor little girl,” I observed.          

“The little girl was actually  the only survivor of your species” responded Charlie .  “You see the initial blast out of the pigs backend was so great that the little girl was blasted off into outer space with a methane bubble protecting her from depressurizing in outer space.  At least she survived a few minutes until an alien space craft picked her up and took her away to another world where she was raised like a little princess.”  

Well, once the wine was gone the Mayan high priestess was gone as well. I guess that according to the Mynas we are going to have to wait a few more years until the world actually ends.    But, 2021 is really not that far off so maybe we should all start preparing for that now.  I’m going to start buying canned goods to store because I’m sure toward the end of days there will be a lot of chaos which leads to food shortages.  One thing though is that I wont have to worry about expiration dates on my canned goods being beyond the year 2021.  Already most of the canned goods I buy  are at the dollar store and the dates are in some kind of code and you have to call a 1-800 number to find out what date the code references.  I tried calling the 1-800 number once but, the person on the other end of the line spoke complete gibberish which I could not understand. I think they must of been a politician moonlighting as a real working person..
 

ALIEN CROP CIRCLES APPEAR IN NORTHERN MICHGIGAN

We have recently had a number of reported crop circle events in Northern Michigan. The farmers have been upset because we mainly have cherry orchards in the area where the crop circles have occurred. The problem is cherry trees do not snap back upright after a few days, they just die. The farmers have said it will take several years to replace the trees.

Personally, I went out to investigate the possibilities of crop circles turning up at one of the many vineyards in Northern Michigan. I never got out to look at the grapevines to see have messed up they might be by crop circles however; I did enjoy hoping from vineyard to vineyard tasting the wine and cheese. I almost bought a bottle at one place and then I saw the price was over $5.00 per bottle. I decided I'd stick to Boons Farm.

Many theories have arisen as to the cause of the crop circles. One is that Sasquatch is so powerful that he is pushing over trees to pick the fruit off of them. This seems plausible since Sasquatch is certainly powerful enough and cherries found in an orchard are a lot bigger and less bitter than the little ones you see in the wild.

Another theory is that lizard boy is now big enough to push over trees. This seems implausible since lizard boy was last seen just about a week ago still stealing bacon from campsites. He was still reported to be just a foot tall. He is still just a boy and is not even a tween yet let alone a teenager or adult lizard man monster.

The local authorities believe someone is going around with an all terrain vehicle, hitching a rope to each tree then, pulling them over. This seems implausible because it sounds silly. Who would do such a thing? If you're going to knock down a cherry tree just a chain saw.

Finally, the only theory left is the one we have to assume is correct. That theory is that Aliens from outer space have been landing on our cherry trees and knocking them over with their anti-gravity beams. The anti-gravity beams are what the aliens use to hover over the ground. They also use the anti-gravity beams to hurl themselves away from the earth at the speed of light.

Recently, the crop circles have been becoming more elaborate. They are now making designs and writing messages with the knocked over trees. One message left by the space aliens indicates their home planets distance from earth. The message read "I Love Lucy". Since this was a popular show about 50 years ago we know the space aliens live about 50 light years away. This is the distance it took for the TV airwaves of "I Love Lucy" to reach our great alien communicators.

Some local figures have ridiculed the space alien theory. They ask why don't the aliens just come down and talk to us or at least send us an e-mail or a letter. The answers to these nay sayers are simple. First, the aliens won't come down to talk to us because they think we are too violent and might try something. Second, they won't communicate with us via the Internet because they are afraid they might pick up a computer virus that could destroy their entire civilization. They may have seen "Independence Day". Finally, the aliens might be super environmentalists. By sending us mail they probably have considered how many trees were destroyed to create the paper, envelope and stamp. By not sending us mail they may have saved a tree.

THE 2012 DOOM DOLLAR

By Tim Colin
Editor
I have just returned in my time traveling 1974 AMC Matador from the year 2012. Boy is things a real mess up there. Riots, revolts and shortages of every kind are pervasive. There are three wars going on in the mid-west over cheese curl distribution rights. There is a civil war in Northern Michigan over whether having a toad urinate on you will give you warts. A lot of people in Northern Michigan keep toads as pets so the toad urine causing warts debate has become a liability dispute. This dispute has completely tied up all the court not only in Michigan but, it has gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

The above disputes are just some of the problems that have torn many nations apart and have brought civilization to its knees. Obviously there is little hope in the year 2012. World governments are all falling apart and no one will take any form of currency except for the newly introduced international currency known as the "Doom Dollar".

The "Doom Dollar" is a 1 oz. Metallic like coin that is sort of gold colored. The coin has no actual gold or any metal in it but is instead made up of a combination of compressed cardboard and used baby diapers hence; there is an organic component to the coin. In the "New World Order of 2012" there are only two types of people: those who have doom dollars and those who desperately want doom dollars. In the year 2012 anyone would do anything for a doom dollar. I was able to bring one back with me but I will not tell you what I had to sell to get it. The stitches should come out in a few weeks. I just hope that the people that bought what I was selling were right when they told me that I had two of them and could get by with just one.

I will be assembling a team of the best minds I can find to figure out a way to purchase "Doom Dollars" in the future and then bring them back to this time and sell them. My mind for marketing tells me that the price I will get for the doom dollar is $19.99. This would be in line with what non-government minted coins are selling for. Of course the government that will mint the "Doom Dollar" exists in the future and does not exist now or, does it? Maybe it is forming inside a hollowed out mountain somewhere.

Perhaps it is Mt. Double Bubble; the tallest mountain in Michigan. Further investigation is obviously required. Of course if I become rich by bringing back doom dollars from 2012 and selling them today then, the only thing I'll be investigating will be climate change in the Caribbean.

THE 2012 DOOM DOLLAR

By Tim Colin
Editor
I have just returned in my time traveling 1974 AMC Matador from the year 2012. Boy is things a real mess up there. Riots, revolts and shortages of every kind are pervasive. There are three wars going on in the mid-west over cheese curl distribution rights. There is a civil war in Northern Michigan over whether having a toad urinate on you will give you warts. A lot of people in Northern Michigan keep toads as pets so the toad urine causing warts debate has become a liability dispute. This dispute has completely tied up all the court not only in Michigan but, it has gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

The above disputes are just some of the problems that have torn many nations apart and have brought civilization to its knees. Obviously there is little hope in the year 2012. World governments are all falling apart and no one will take any form of currency except for the newly introduced international currency known as the "Doom Dollar".

The "Doom Dollar" is a 1 oz. Metallic like coin that is sort of gold colored. The coin has no actual gold or any metal in it but is instead made up of a combination of compressed cardboard and used baby diapers hence; there is an organic component to the coin. In the "New World Order of 2012" there are only two types of people: those who have doom dollars and those who desperately want doom dollars. In the year 2012 anyone would do anything for a doom dollar. I was able to bring one back with me but I will not tell you what I had to sell to get it. The stitches should come out in a few weeks. I just hope that the people that bought what I was selling were right when they told me that I had two of them and could get by with just one.

I will be assembling a team of the best minds I can find to figure out a way to purchase "Doom Dollars" in the future and then bring them back to this time and sell them. My mind for marketing tells me that the price I will get for the doom dollar is $19.99. This would be in line with what non-government minted coins are selling for. Of course the government that will mint the "Doom Dollar" exists in the future and does not exist now or, does it? Maybe it is forming inside a hollowed out mountain somewhere.

Perhaps it is Mt. Double Bubble; the tallest mountain in Michigan. Further investigation is obviously required. Of course if I become rich by bringing back doom dollars from 2012 and selling them today then, the only thing I'll be investigating will be climate change in the Caribbean.

ON OCTOBER 9TH, 2009: NASA ATTACKED THE MOON MEN

On October 9, 2009, NASA bombed the moon. This is a first strike against the ancient and very advanced civilization of creatures known as the Giant Leap. Many scientists expect a massive retaliation against North America will follow. This retaliation may affect the future of mankind for thousands of years. Some scientists believe we may not survive the retaliation. Many scientists believe that the lucky ones won’t survive the initial attack by the Giant Leap. Every scientist agrees that an attack by the Giant Leap will have catastrophic effects for mankind.

It is truly ironic that all this tension between our two planets began 40 years ago this month. Commander Buzz Alden of Apollo 11 was the first human to have direct contact with the Giant Leap. As Buzz stepped off the ladder that led from his lunar module he said some very garbled words that were immediately fixed to sound like “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In fact he actually said “One small leap is as big as a man, one Giant Leap could destroy mankind.”

The two races of Leap’s were waiting to greet the early astronauts. One race was known as the small (or Lesser Leap). The Lesser Leap was a race of slaves who served the Giant (or Giant Leap). All the races of Leap’s were completely covered in mated long tan hair with the exception of one giant eye toward the top of what might be described as a head. The mouth and nose were indistinguishable under the mass of hair. All Leap’s had two arms and hands with three fingers on each. They also had two legs and two feet with three toes on each foot. Overall, a Leap looks just like a big hairball with an eye and two arms and two legs.

The first negotiations between Leaps and humans went fine. NASA was allowed to land on specific spots on the moon in order to carry out research. The problems began when the Giant Leap noticed that NASA kept leaving a lot of debris on the moon after each mission. The Leap had kept the Moon pristine for millions of years but, after just one visit humans had left a mess. Further Apollo missions served to further aggravate the Leaps. Finally, stuff hit the fan when the Leap found that astronauts were dumping their waste on the moon. The Leap felt that this was equivalent to doing number two in a neighbor’s front yard. The Great Council of Leaps decided to ban NASA from ever returning to the moon.

Since NASA has been banned from the moon another great nation called China has been in constant contact with the Giant Leap. The transfer of technological knowledge from the Giant Leap to China has made the Chinese the greatest engine of manufacturing the earth has ever known.

Of course making China a manufacturing powerhouse was really an act of revenge against NASA and the United States. The plumes of poison that bellow out of Chinese smokestacks are destroying the air we breathe and, the stuff made in china is strung across our planet. You would think the Giant Leap would feel by now that they have their revenge against us for littering up the moon with our crap.
Unfortunately, NASA has decided that the Giant Leap are secretly processing anti-matter. Everyone that has ever studied Star Trek in science class knows that anti-matter is the most powerful source of energy in the universe. NASA believes that the Giant Leap are planning to build an anti-matter reactor on the moon. After the reactor is complete it is believed that the Giant Leap will be able to use a projected energy weapon against the Earth or any planet in the solar system thus, making the moon into a death star.

So, we will strike against the Giant Leap before they have completed their project. NASA is going to drop an atomic bomb on the scientific facilities that are set to begin creating anti-matter. According to NASA officials, the anti-matter must be destroyed before it is created. NASA officials point out that even if the Giant Leap don’t attack us directly, it would be terrible if some anti-matter were to one day end up in the hands of terrorists.

Now we all must wait to see if the Giant Leap retaliate after their anti-matter facility is destroyed. NASA has of course put out a lame cover story to pacify any armature astronomers who might happen to see the massive explosion on the moon. NASA has issued a press release stating that the explosion is for gathering moon dust by an orbiting satellite. The satellite will then analyze the dust to see if there is any water present. What is interesting is once the moon dust is supposedly analyzed the satellite would then hurl itself into the bomb’s crater thus, setting off a second explosion. It looks more like NASA wants to make sure the job of destroying the anti-matter facility is completed. If the first bomb only weakened the structure the second bomb finished it off.

WE DON'T DO ROCKET SHIPS, BUT WE STILL HAVE FIREWORKS

By Gerrard
Well, I guess NASA has had some major cuts in funding. After the space station missions are over, all space missions will be cancelled. NASA will soon be privatized and become a pyrotechnics (fireworks) company.

In the meantime, China, Japan and India (the CHIJAPIN Group), are partnering to launch their new Subaru Land Rover to Mars. By 2016 there will be an estimated 1,000,000 Subaru vehicles on Mars. The CHIJAPIN Group hopes to hire NASA to orchestrate a massive fireworks display when the millionth Subaru lands on Mars. The European Union also hopes to begin landing vehicles on Mars but, they can’t decide if they should eat crumpets, sausages, pasta or cheese during their two hour lunch breaks they will no doubt take while on the red planet. Russia will not be competing for real estate on Mars. Russia is instead building space portals in all their major cities so that every Russian citizen will have the opportunity to travel to other galaxies free of charge. The Swiss are of course, building time travel machines. I guess once you are a clock maker you will always be a clock maker.One thing that we Americans are good at is making fireworks. That's a technology that we invented and nobody does it better.

Personally, I love setting off fireworks in Michigan that I buy in other states. The good fireworks are all illegal in Michigan. The one problem that I have with setting off the fireworks is that for some strange reason the instructions are all in Chinese. I guess we write the instructions in Chinese because we export a lot of fireworks to the Chinese mainland.